Napoleonic & ECW wargaming, with a load of old Hooptedoodle on this & that


Monday 7 November 2022

Hooptedoodle #433 - Thinking Inside the Box


 This is our door knocker. A cast-iron woodpecker is probably not to everyone's taste, but we have always been very fond of the wild birds in our garden, and the big stars are indisputably the Greater Spotted Woodpeckers. When we had our house extended, the door knocker just seemed to choose itself.

Last week, a courier rang the doorbell. After he had handed me my parcel, he said, "by the way, your knocker isn't working". This was a bit disconcerting; frequently someone will knock and tell us the doorbell isn't working, but this was a first.

I tried the knocker, while he was still there. It worked perfectly. He said, "no - you're supposed to bang its beak on the top bit - it's a woodpecker".

I said, "well, you could do that, but I've always just lifted its tail and banged it like a normal door knocker".

I tried it the other way, and it is hard to make a noise.

The courier was adamant. He said, "they wouldn't have made it like a woodpecker if you weren't supposed to knock with the beak".

I said, "but it could have been a horseshoe, or anything - it's just a door knocker".

And the courier grinned and went on his way, shaking his head at my stupidity. Quite rightly so.

Interesting. So if someone has made my door knocker to look like a woodpecker, I have to use it in imitation of a real woodpecker, though it doesn't work that way round? Maybe that's correct. I'm going to have to think a bit more about this.

Here's an old picture of one of our real woodpeckers; this was taken a good few years ago, but I'm prepared to bet his descendants are still around here somewhere.



 


38 comments:

  1. I'm reminded of the old argument about which way toilet roll should hang - recently settled by the discovery of the manufacturer's instructions (smugly have been doing it "right" all this time. ....)
    I tried googling woodpecker door knockers (that will confuse those marketing bots) and it's clear a minority are designed to hit something with the beak, most are ambiguous but there's one here that's designed to use the tail.....
    https://www.adamsandmack.com/shop/door-knocker-woodpecker/
    Perhaps he has one himself? ☺
    Neil

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    1. "Woodpecker door knockers" indeed! Neil, you are going to cause lots of mischief with that phrase! I am still laughing...

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    2. Thank you for some useful research Neil. I am still pondering.

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  2. Having never seen one of these, I would be inclined to bang the beak upon first encounter too.

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    1. I'm beginning to think maybe I should have been banging the beak all these years, and perhaps there is something wrong with it after all. There may even be something wrong with me.

      One quick question, Jon - what if you had never seen a woodpecker...?

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    2. Hmm. Philosophy Today.

      A woodpecker by any other name would…
      still bang its beak into the door.

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  3. Perhaps a small sign saying "This is not a Woodpecker, it is a Black Tail Knocker" .

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    1. Ross - that's brilliant. I would offer you the job as estate manager, as long as you understand I can't afford you.

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  4. Decent size that woodpecker… I’ve always been a fan of big knockers mind you.

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    1. Fnarr, fnarr. Excellent Bullingdonian touch of class, there, JBM. I hope you're not pinching policemen's chapeaux on a Saturday night in That France?

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  5. This caused some discussion in our house - it has been suggested that maybe the woodpecker should be the other way up, so its head faces downwards? I am not sure of this, mind you!
    I'm afraid my mind worked like JBM's - I remembered a famous episode of 'Blue Peter' on TV:
    https://m.facebook.com/sixties.timemachine/videos/simon-groom-what-a-beautiful-pair-of-knockers/223867989663781/

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    1. Oo-er - I am flabbergasted, missus. My flabber has never been so gasted. I am seriously shocked to think that Blue Peter was quite as crass as this, but I guess times and fashions change...

      The upside-down approach to woodpecker-mounting is repeated in the next comment, so I'll wrap up the two together, if that's OK.

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    2. It's sometimes assumed that this was a 'slip of the tongue', but I saw a documentary later where Simon Groom stated that it was entirely deliberate, and done to wind-up the veteran and fiercesome producer of the show, Biddy Baxter. Apparently he made a rapid exit from the studio as the credits rolled, knowing she would be racing down the stairs from the control room to give him a talking-to. I respected him a bit more after that, I have to say, even if he was certainly no John Noakes..

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    3. Interesting. Sometimes it surprises me how long ago the 1970s was, and how our (well, my) instinctive reaction to broadcast material has changed. The two male presenters just come across as sniggering adolescents, which is actually what they were. Mind you, you don't have to go that far back to get a shock; I have a pal who keeps sending me YouTube links to (things like) the Angry Frank sketches from the Fast Show show in the mid-90s, any one of which could threaten the BBC's existence if they tried it now, and none of which (I now realise) is particularly funny.

      Oi! No!

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  6. Have you considered positioning the woodpecker so that the head is facing towards the ground?

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    1. This is definitely thinking outside the box, so bonus points for that. Since it is a woodpecker and not a nuthatch, I guess I am too hidebound to put it upside down - a realism issue here? I'm not sure quite how the gravity would work in this configuration, but it's an interesting idea. If the whole house was upside down, this might be OK. I'll think about this too.

      Hmmm...

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  7. It is good to see that even in the 21st Century there are conundrums that man, sorry personkind, still wrestles to solve.

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    1. Agreed - occasionally it is a relief to remember that we don't know everything. In fact, some of us know less and less.

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  8. I'd like you to note that unlike other bloggers I don't believe in descending to crudities. I'll stick to critiquing the design. The woodpecker doorknocker is a nice idea but it looks an awkward action if you're supposed to tap the beak on the door. Anyway, I'm with you Tony, you've got to bang the bird on the bottom.

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    1. Thanks Chris - that's raised the tone very nicely. That's more like it.

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  9. New sign required:
    "Woodpecker for decoration, please use the door bell"
    If it doesn't work they may well sod off. Win win.

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    1. Nice idea James. I am reminded of a oeriod when I used to publish (and distribute) a local community magazine in a neighbouring village, which was an interesting spare-time venture, and involved my visiting 1500 letterboxes every month. One door had a neat wooden sign on it, next to the doorbell, which said:

      "Before you ring or knock, consider whether you really wish to disturb the people who live here. If you really aren't sure, go home and think about it."

      In similar vein, about 12 years ago my wife talked me out of putting a sign at our front gate, which was going to say:

      "Please close the garden gate, so that the neighbours' dogs get a chance to crap somewhere else."

      I'm not sure I didn't give up on that one too early.

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  10. As someone who, on a regular basis and as part of my work duties, has the joyful task of dealing with complaints about how couriers actually complete their deliveries, I think you should just be very glad the courier even bothered to try to operate any kind of device that might alert you to his presence at your door, let alone get into a discussion about whether your woodpecker is supposed to chip at the door with his beak or batter it with his rump to get your attention!

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    1. That is true Keith, I have to be grateful. There is a growing opinion here that the average intelligence of our couriers has improved quite a bit, since, during the pandemic, a lot of people who used to paint houses, repair automobiles, install communications equipment and, probably, perform brain surgery became couriers instead, and stayed with it.

      Not so good if you wish to get your house painted or your car breaks down, but we do have to be grateful.

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    2. Unfortunately, with some heroic exceptions, ours seem to be going in the opposite direction! We also have a shortage of every kind of worker here, due in part to our very successful self isolation to prevent the spread of Covid. Whole sections of our economy....fruit harvesting, tourism and hospiltalty....seem to have operated on itinerant young holiday makers...and when they stopped coming for three years, those industries were in deep Doo Doo ...and haven't really recovered yet. And of course, like everyone else, we are short of nurses, doctors and most other health workers....fun times 😏

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  11. That is a remarkably observant courier you have there Tony, and I honestly believe that only you could find yourself engaged in a conversation like that! Our door bell does not work so we have a nice printed sign on the door that reads 'Doorbell not working please knock on the window' , you would be surprised how long it takes for some of them to spot it. Those Scottish couriers must be a cut above.

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    1. Hi Lee - yes, that was considerate of him. If he'd also reported that my lawnmower seems to be misfiring I might be less positive, but you're right. Putting notices up is an uncertain activity. Sometimes it can be counterproductive - in Germany there is a tendency to make everything very clear with public notices; I have a German friend who reckons that the downside is that if you are the only family in the street which does not have a sign saying "Please do not tie your elephant to our fire hydrant" then sooner or later there will be an elephant outside your house.

      I once saw a photograph of a sign (in America), standing in a pond, which said, "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO SHOOT AT THIS NOTICE" - that was all it said; it was, of course, riddled with bulletholes - another triumph for the 2nd Amendment. I discussed this with a friend in the pub, and we agreed that a sign that said, "DO NOT READ THIS NOTICE" would be interesting, though it would be hard to tell if anyone had ignored it.

      As for having an uplifting discussion with the courier, I regret that spending the lockdown in rural isolation has made me into that irritating old man in the supermarket who insists on making a joke about the fact that he can't find the biscuits. It's OK. It's just my turn.

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    2. Lee - late supplement!

      The Professor was interested in your doorbell notice, and by email (from the Netherlands) offers his theory for your consideration. Since (he says) the British take a national pride in rejecting official directives, you might do better with a hand-written note - at least someone would take the trouble to read it.

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  12. I got another Google-free email from The Professor, who suggests that it is odd to make a doorknocker in the shape of a bird, and am I sure it is a woodpecker?

    (1) obviously there must be some doubt here, but the fact that real woodpeckers spend their lives banging their heads on trees might give us a clue
    (2) it is definitely a woodpecker - to my knowledge, only woodpeckers, treecreepers and nuthatches (in the UK) have that strange build, so that they hang by their feet and take the weight on their tails. I have seen a nuthatch hobbling across our lawn to reach some peanuts, and they are obviously not designed for that particular job. Specialism - all part of Evolution's WIP lab?

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  13. Most definitely a woodpecker, but, like your delivery guy, my first thought was how do you knock with it? But my second thought, only fractions of a second behind the first, was to use the tail.
    Interested to see what a Google search would produce I found this video of a chrome version..
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qeNJ3_2y-E

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    1. Well - blow me down, Rob - I do believe it's exactly the same doorknocker, but cast in brass instead of iron. Mounting it upside down may be OK - I've never seen a woodpecker upside down, but I'm sure they can do it. I note that the video of knocking with it stopped short of making an actual noise!

      Maybe this is an instruction video for couriers, or perhaps my courier had seen one the other way up. I'd be all for an upside-down nuthatch knocker, mind. Thanks for this.

      *** I had a look, and found this, which is a brass nuthatch knocker, but I am confused to note that you are suppsed to hang it the wrong way up (for a nuthatch), and it's a tail-banger, so I guess they missed a trick there! ***

      https://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/antique-vintage-heavy-brass-nuthatch-1775814853

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    2. Even more bizarrely, here's a black one from the same company and they mount this one the 'right way up' (?), although the bloke in the video doesn't seem to knock with it very convincingly...

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    3. This is the exact same knocker we have - we bought ours 17 years ago - it was described as "powder coated" which is about as effective as wishing it all the best. Ours has been recoated with black Hamerite about 3 times, so it is very tough, but losing the casting detail a bit. Agree the guy in the video doesn't make much of a job of knocking with it - perhaps he's a courier.

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  14. Well, that post and the subseqent discussion was an entertaining distraction from reality! Thank you. Oh, and yes, absolutely agree about the joy in observing garden birds. Haven't had woodpeckers here for a while but it's always a great pleasure to see what does turn up. Sadly, round here more and more gardens seem to be turning into treeless deserts, often when houses change hands...

    Cheers,

    David.

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    1. Thank you David - in truth, stuff like this is becoming more real to me by the minute, since I've given up on some of the alternatives. Our garden is a fair size, and someone must have aimed to make it low-maintenance 30 years ago, but an awful lot of things have grown bigger than the space available for them, so some cutting back has been going on here. We have a proper wood at the bottom of the garden, however, so there is still a good habitat for wildlife [including, over the last 2 weeks, our annual infestation of cluster flies...].

      Big news of this summer has been the return of small numbers of Greenfinches, which have been very near extinction around here.

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    2. Oh yes, lots of tree and shrub trimming is inevitable and necessary; I remember that the art critic Brian Sewell, an unlikely convert late in life to wildlife-friendly gardening, said he spent vast amounts of time cutting back with secateurs and loppers. Things regrow all too well so it does no harm! In fact, letting light in periodically can often be beneficial for many species of plant and animal. Greenfinches have had a rough time of late with disease, unfortunately, but do seem to be making a bit of a comeback in places. Haven't seen many here, though. Good to hear you have been seeing them again.

      Cheers,

      David.

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    3. I'm sure he'd have found the association amusing... ;-)

      Cheers,

      David.

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