Seasonal update from Chateau Foy: as the weather gets a little warmer, I've been waiting for the appearance of large spiders on the bedroom ceiling. Just harmless UK house spiders, but I really don't care for the big ones; sleep and the known presence of a large spider do not go together well with me.
I am aware that the things are always there somewhere - they spend the winter sleeping down the edges of the carpet, behind the chest of drawers, behind the pictures - all that. The longer I wait for the first one, the more I expect it to be a big one. Being energetically cannibalistic, the kingpin of the month will have been building himself up to full strength by munching his friends and relations, before he finally comes parading on the ceiling.
I have a rather good plastic spider-whacker, and have developed a decent technique - not too much backlift (since the draught from a wild swing will waft the beggar away without damaging him), and just a gentle, quick tap. Yes - I know that I will be condemned for this, but I really can't be doing with them. One quick switch, and then take him to the toilet for swimming lessons.
Well, rather belatedly, the first one arrived a couple of nights ago, and he was a belter - over 3 inches across his legs. He was on the wall below the coombed ceiling, posing...
I caught him very nicely with the swatter. He fell to the carpet, and immediately legged it (literally) under the big chest of drawers. That wasn't in the script at all.
This is not good news - I have sort of developed an understanding of what happens next, through years of experience. What will happen is that after a period of recovery - usually an hour or two - the spider will determinedly resume his trip up onto the ceiling and - especially if he is now a little unwell - he is likely to drop on the bed. All sorts of unpleasant fantasies now take hold.
So I took the Raid insecticide spray from the bottom of the cupboard, and applied a generous skoosh underneath the chest of drawers. That should spoil his equipoise. I switched on the bedside lamps and the TV, made a cup of tea and settled down to wait for the return of my new friend.
Right on cue, he appeared on the ceiling after about 75 minutes, not far from his previous misadventure. He was definitely a bit lop-sided, and staggering a bit. I was ready - whacked him again, finished him off, and took him for swimming lessons. Job done. I tidied up, pleased with the use of the Raid, and slept soundly.
In the morning, as I went to put the Raid back in the cupboard, I was surprised to find that I had mistakenly sprayed the spider with guitar polish instead of insecticide, which, for a street fighter and spider whacker, is not cool at all.
At least I can reassure myself that my first kill of the year must have been gloriously shiny as he met his end. The ladies would have been impressed.
Ive no real problem with spiders but it can be a bit unsettling when they start dragging in mice, pigeons and other wild from the garden 🕷️🐀🦌🐪🦘
ReplyDeleteAll the best. Aly
Agreed! - I used to kind of pretend to myself that I got rid of them because they upset my wife, and also my son when he was little, but if I were honest I would have to admit that the big ones scare me, harmless or not. If I were really honest I would also admit that one of the chief reasons I have no real wish to visit Australia (or Africa, or Iraq, or the Amazon) is the unreasonable scale of the creep-crawlies.
DeleteI reassure myself with the thought that such arachnids are preying on more unpleasant insects, although they seem particularly inept at catching flies and moths....
ReplyDeleteI dont mind them and can even catch and release, although once found one (by touch) on my head the tactile sensation of which was decidedly unpleasant...
My wife however harbours the notion that if there is one in the bedroom, at some stage, it will decide to crawl in her mouth when she's asleep....
Why a spider would choose a human mouth is beyond me and any rational thought, but there it is. Thus any such offenders must be banished.
As to the guitar polish.....did that mean when you hit it, it b flat....☺
Thank you, I'm here all week.....☺
Neil
Neil - you've just earned a serious nomination for my Joke of 2024 award - that's very funny indeed. Please reassure your wife that she is right - I'm confident that a spider would be attracted by an open mouth. [I shall now start wearing a Covid mask in bed...]
Delete“B flat”! Outstanding, Neil!
DeleteOf course it was A sharp strike that did for him(?) her(?).....☺
DeleteI'm now wondering what the spider made of being sprayed with guitar polish.....did it slide / glide more easily? Did it get blurred vision (in multiple eyes)?
I'm not convinced about the mask, isn't there just more risk of it getting trapped in there..... 🕷🕷🕷
Neil
Neil - you may have taken it just a bit too far now...
DeleteTrapped behind the mask - hmmm. This is tricky, isn't it?
Guitar polish as an insecticide? That is a new on to me! I have used black primer to dullcoat figures, however...
ReplyDeleteThe black primer story is a horror - I have to lie down in a quiet place to recover, just reading it. Spraying a guitar with fly killer would be bad idea, too - I think I shall arrange for some better lighting at the bottom of the cupboard, or maybe keep the guitar polish in a different room, since it is less likely to feature in an emergency. This also brings to mind a constant gripe of mine about tiny print on the labels of toiletry items - since I am unlikely to wear my reading glasses in the shower, it would not be impossible for me to attempt to wash my hair with mould killer, for example; a malicious intruder could also do some serious damage by placing a bottle of Mr Muscle Oven Cleaner (or Drain Unblocker) on the shelf in the shower. And then there's bleach, of course.
DeleteOh nooooo! As a woke, yoghurt knitting, sandal wearing Guardianista I can't have that. I even try to steer bluebottles & wasps (annoying little b******s) out with a magazine before resorting to violence, if they don't take the hint.
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, do you have any good techniques to deter foxes from crapping on the lawn and digging holes in your flower beds and veg plots? I'm trying to resist the urge to get an air gun.
As a token attempt at diplomacy, I shall shout out of the window that any spiders entering my bedroom will be assumed to be hostile, and dealt with accordingly. I might even print out a courteous notice to place in the window. Razor wire doesn't seem to stop them.
DeleteThe fox problem is interesting - foxes will also kill a domestic cat for fun. Years ago we had a problem in my garden here with dogs and cats fouling the lawns, and we bought in a bag of dried lion poo (no - it was marketed is a product, I didn't collect it myself), which was supposed to discourage such intruders. A couple of thoughts occur here: (1) how do we know it was really lion poo? (2) Is dried lion poo less offensive than fresh dog poo? [probably] (3) what if it attracts lions? (4) it didn't work - I think our local domestic pets would only be impressed by an actual lion, which would bring its own problems.
Tricky. There was also a time (which I have written about before) when I lived in Edinburgh, and the brains at the Toon Cooncil came up with a brilliant scheme to do away with the old dustbins, and have the residents bag up all their rubbish (including food waste) in plastic bags, to be placed outside in the street each Monday night for collection. Those of us who lived in the suburbs (I lived in Morningside) had an interesting time, since armies of foxes would come into town from the Pentland Hills and similar places on a Monday night, to rip up the plastic bags and throw stuff about in their search for eatables. Life lesson: if you ever get on the Toon Cooncil, avoid having brilliant ideas.
I was indoctrinated in the belief that killing spiders is up there with breaking mirrors, walking under ladders etc as a harbinger of bad fortune. As my wife is also convinced that a spiders sole aim in life is to drop into her mouth when she is asleep, I have to catch them in a glass (or my hand) and return them to the wild, where they will no doubt be eaten by a bird. Re the foxes, I've found that at least they stop the cats capping on the lawn, and fox poo is much less offensive.
ReplyDeleteThe indoctrination may be correct - this might be what's been causing it all these years. One result of taking them outside and letting them go is they just rush back in again.
DeleteMaybe we should have a learned debate on offense ratings for various kinds of poo. At least it will be a new topic.
As I recall, my Wise Granny (who was bonkers, and a witch from Preston), used to intone a cautionary proverb (as she always did) on the subject. My cousin Dave and I, when we were about 10 (as we always did), produced an improved version, with appropriate gothic hyperbole:
Delete"If you wish to live and thrive
Let the spider run alive;
If you bash him on the head,
In the morning you'll be dead"
All these years later, I feel that the original, unadorned version was somehow more threatening. It's the things that are not said...
Guitar cleaner? I wouldn’t fret about it Tony!
ReplyDeleteAaargh! - very good!
DeleteIn response to Q1, I would have thought that, as people are among the prey of lions evolved to avoid them and still have noses , on opening a bag of the real thing one should be filled with a sense of foreboding accompanied by an urge to depart the scene, lest one be eaten.
ReplyDeleteSort of race memory effect? My ancestors may well have been chased by lions, but information on what they smell like hasn't been handed down (the lions, not the ancestors). It's also a worrying possibility that something marketed as lion poo might be some worthless imitaion, such as yak poo or yeti poo.
DeleteIf your targets believed in the yeti, it might be enough to ward them off. Would it be enough if they mistook yak for yeti, both being a bit Himalayan?
DeleteYou are my hero tackling that brute all by yourself. If it measured three inches across the legs what did it measure along the legs, three yards? ;o)
ReplyDeleteI'm sort of okay with the creepy crawlies but I still don't want them in the house so if I've time I'll catch and release into the garden otherwise it's a quick smack and then a tissue wipe. I became less tolerant a couple of years ago when we had a serious carpet moth invasion that did for some carpet and clothes. So now I take anything as being the the thin end of an invasive wedge to be repelled asap.
I confess I described the creature in a very unsatisfactory way - sorry about this - I was confused by reading a spider enthusiasts' site, which quotes spider sizes in mm. It took a few minutes before I realised that the standard measurements for spiders ignore legs altogether. Obviously an accepted way to do this - think "soles to eyes" in the model soldier world.
DeleteAs my scientist son tells me, "they move determinately in three dimensions", which is why he shoots them with an air pistol.
ReplyDeleteVery good - he shoots them with an air pistol? Sounds like a system rife with the risk of collateral damage.
DeleteProf De Vries emailed to say that he is impressed by the pistol approach - he suggested that a hand grenade would be more certain to damage the spider. The Professor rarely participates these days, so this in itself is quite an accolade.
Delete