In which I have another visit from Thaddeus, my personal Junior Executive Marketing Sprite, who appeared in a blog post here in March, and even received some fan mail.
…ah – there you are, Thaddeus – goodness,
you took your time!
This is most irregular – I’ve never been summoned before – I am usually sent to
follow up on some kind of Episode – are you having an Episode…?
No – not at all – today I am very pleased
because I feel I have scored a small personal victory against the evils of Scam
Marketing, and I wish to share my satisfaction with you.
Are you sure you are not having an Episode?
– I can’t get a reading on the Event Analyser…
Please – sit down, there by the
toothpaste, and I’ll tell you the Tale of the Broken Bog Seat.
Erm – OK – will this take long?
No – it is a simple story – but you’d better get your
little iPad fired up, so you can take notes. This morning we had a small
domestic mishap here – the toilet seat in the downstairs bathroom was found to
have split – we have no idea why – but, as always, it happened at the start of
a week when we have visitors coming.
Is this toilet seat covered under an extended manufacturer’s warranty?
Please, Thaddeus – if you do not mind – I
shall be grateful if you do not interrupt. The toilet seat is over ten years
old, so the breakage is what is legally termed Wear and Tear, I believe – and no,
before you ask, we have no special toilet seat insurance, though I seem to
recall that my bank branch once tried to sell me something which sounded very
similar, apart from the toilet seat bit. Our toilet is from McFarlane-Hendry’s Montana range, which was all the fashion
when it was installed, in 2005.
It is impressive that you are so well
informed on this – clearly your interest in bathroom fittings is more active
than your grasp of, for example, models of razor.
I shall overlook your interruption at this
point, Thaddy-Boy (you don’t mind if I call you Thaddy-Boy, do you?) – I shall
overlook it on the grounds that it confirms that you are paying attention, and
I shall refuse to react to any whiff of sarcasm. As is the way of these things,
TB (there you are, that’s shorter and more businesslike than Thaddy-Boy), the Montana range is no more – it has been superseded – it is OOP, as
we say in the World of Toilets, and you will not be surprised to learn that you
cannot fit a replacement seat which is from a different range. I reasoned that McFarlane-Hendry
cannot expect us to replace the entire bathroom suite, so there must be some
other possibility. I searched long and hard for it online, and eventually,
after some fishing about, I found that the official Montana replacement seat (part #S401001) is not available, as I
expected, but an alternative was offered – namely the seat from the Orion range from the same manufacturer,
which is still in production – this, to be exact, is part #S404501, and is
offered for sale at some £27 + tax + shipping. To be on the safe side, since
the small product photos were not very clear, I sent an email to the customer
service people at the makers, just to check that the Orion seat would do the job (so to speak), and I received a prompt
reply from one Emily – she was very professional and courteous.
 |
| Emily, whose specialist subject is lavatories - not bad... |
Emily replied that the Orion was indeed a
possible substitute, but that I would get an even better match if I purchased a seat from yet another model, the Saturn (part#
S404001 – are you getting all this?) – which was rather more expensive – in
fact they could offer it to me for the princely sum of £100 + tax + shipping.
Well, TB – I have to say I smelt a rat – a little furry chap with big teeth and
a long tail. Armed with this most helpful information from Emily, I jumped in
my van and drove to my local Plumb Centre
– just down the road, and the nice man in there allowed me to look at and
measure a sample of the (cheaper, and less desirable) Orion seat, and do you know what?
No, but I am waiting to hear, in a state of some excitement.
Well, I’ll tell you what. The Orion seat is exactly the same as the Montana seat – identical – I would say
it came from the same mould, in fact. It is difficult to see how the Saturn could be a better match than the
exact original seat, so I drove away with it, having paid some £20 plus tax – got home in about 20 minutes, and had it fitted within a further 25.
Result. The toilet is as good as new, and that metallic sound you can hear is
the extra £100 or so which I saved, rattling in my pocket.
I am glad that you are pleased, but did you
call me just to tell me this?
 |
| Perfect example of a bathroom which is nothing at all like the ones at Chateau Foy |
Well, TB – it seems to me that the
manufacturers of bathroom fittings are yet another example of just what I was
on about last time we spoke – they are given to the energetic marketing of current
ranges – which are up-to-the-minute and attractive and just what one needs in one’s home – and
these ranges, like all fashionable items, have a fairly short catalogue life
before they are replaced. The spares industry which supports this is a
minefield for the customer – but it is deliberately made artificially complex. I
now have evidence that there is a small number of fairly standard toilet seats,
for example, which are used widely across the various ranges, and a great deal
of roguery is created by the pretence that the supply of a suitable replacement part for your out-of-catalogue toilet is a tricky and expensive thing to arrange. Why else would the manufacturer recommend an alternative costing £100 more, on the
grounds that it is superior to, or more exactly compatible than, the original
item, which is still on sale under a different name?
I regret that I have no answer to your
question, but I have noted your experience, and I suspect that McFarlane-Hendry
may well be in line for some kind of industry award – certainly, recommending
an alternative replacement part costing £100 more than necessary is a fine
piece of work. Exemplary, in fact. Thank you for bringing this to our attention
– WHAT ARE YOU INTENDING TO DO WITH THAT TOILET DUCK?
I'm sure he'll be back.
I'd have bought 2 of the buggers! Just incase........
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of hoping the Orion (or some equivalent) will stay in production for a while - I feel I've sussed the industry just a bit. The trouble with buying 2 is that it is evidence of turning into my dad, which is not a priority! If you are going to buy 2, maybe better go for 3 etc. When we cleared out cupboards and things after my dad died, he has multiples of all sorts of things - just in case they became unavailable. Thus, for example, he had several lifetimes' supply of spare washers for a really cheap and nasty hose system which actually should have been completely replaced by a decent quality one at the first chance. He also had gallons and gallons of diet lemonade, all years past its sell-by date, and enough turpentine to float a battleship.
DeleteI suppose another trouble remembering where you left the second loo seat???
DeleteExactly, Ray - you are right on the money. We have spares for various things in our garage, and I am sure of neither where they are, nor if they really exist. Our garage is not constrained by the usual laws of Nature, I think - things move about and/or disappear in mysterious fashion - I'd be terrified to spend a night in there. I recently threw out a large number of tins of solidified household paints and bags of solidified lawn treatment, which has given us more space, and we have enough old cycling helmets to open a shop. There's a lot of stuff in there that might come in useful one day - you know how it is.
DeleteThat's done it - I have become my dad after all.
Where to put a spare loo seat? Easy. Use it as a frame for a picture of your mother-in-law!
DeleteI like it - you rascal...
DeleteI agree with Ray, having been victim to such an occurrence. Is your new seat a 'silent close' model? Ours are 'silent close' models. Not sure how they work, but they're in great demand at our B&Q and 'nearly' five year olds can't slam them.
ReplyDeleteI'm prepared to place a bet that normal, sensible toilet seats would not fit our WC - it's got some strange kind of mounting pillars. I'd also risk a sneaky bet that my son could slam a "silent close" toilet seat without any problem. He has been known to slam his bedroom curtains.
DeleteHaving just fitted a new seat myself I was totally unaware of the many types and shapes of the humble toilet seat , - took two visits to B&Q , the first time I was oblivious to the many shapes and size, the second time I went with a photo of the old one to make sure I got it right , Tony
DeleteIt's a toilet jungle out there - you have to be prepared. Taking a picture of the old seat is sound, and less embarrassing than taking the old seat for comparison.
DeleteFor no sensible reason, I recall that when I was a callow youth - deep in the last century - my employers of the day spent what was considered an outrageous amount of money on putting new toilets next to the boardroom, for the directors - these had telephones in the cubicles (discuss!), which was thought to be a bit over-the-top, but the thing I remember best was that the lavatory seats had to be repleced, because they were the wrong shape - we never found out what it was that was wrong with them, in fact, but there were some wild theories about the qualifications for the job.
Since I am fired up on this, this morning I was discussing this very topic of 'silent close' toilet seats with Dod the Gardener, who recently installed one at home and is favourably impressed - only downside, says Dod, is that when he visits other people's houses he tends to slam the toilet lid.
DeleteYes, it's a real risk; I often do the same at my daughter's. Haven't had a requirement to enter into combat at my son's place yet. Young Henry hasn't had this peoblem yet because, as a young, but red blooded male, he always leaves the seat up at home - not here because Nana shouts at him ;O)
DeleteProf De Vries emailed to say that his uncle's house in Lokeren, Gent, has an ancient toilet at the bottom of the back yard - it is certainly pre-war - and they recently bought a replacement seat for it, right off the shelf, from their local Brico store - no problem. That can't be right, surely - let's see what the marketing boys would make of that.
ReplyDelete