A few weeks ago I was recounting a daft old story for the benefit of the Contesse, and I enjoyed it greatly - though the Contesse did not say much about it, come to think of it.
I'll give a short version of the tale, mostly to fill out the post a bit.
The Original Tale
One Saturday morning in Spring, long ago, it seems I had something of a falling-out with my wife of the time - not an uncommon event, to be sure. On occasions like this, I sometimes used to go for a drive on my own, into the Highlands (I lived in Edinburgh at the time), to calm down. I can only add that traffic was lighter in those days - nowadays I would get stuck behind a caravan, and it would not calm me at all.
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| Citroen BX - this was so long ago that cars were monochrome |
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| Loch Lubnaig |
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| Strathyre Main Street (the A84) - looking south |
"What are you wantin'?" asked one of them - I am ashamed to admit this, but the man had a glass eye, and I was so fixated by the idea that it must have given him problems playing pool that I was put rather off-balance. Also, alas, I wasn't quite sure if he was speaking to me.
"Er - I was looking for the landlord..."
"How? [Why?] Who are you, like?"
At this point I wasn't very sure, to be honest, but I explained that I was just a customer. The barman appeared in the room with us.
"This guy's looking for you," said Glass Eye. "He stopped us playing."
"What's the problem, then?" said the barman.
Fearing that this wasn't going very well, I went back into the bar with the barman, who took up the regulation position behind the taps.
"Are you wanting something?"
"I was wondering if I could perhaps get something to eat? Some lunch?"
"Lunch?" - perhaps I'd unwittingly suggested something indecent. "We've got crisps."
"You couldn't make me a sandwich or something? Any pies?" - as I said this, the word salmonella appeared like a subtitle.
"Crisps." The barman never blinked, I noticed.
"Erm - could I have a cup of coffee?"
"Nah - the machine's broken. I can sell you a beer..."
"What have you got on draught?" I peered into the darkness.
"You can see what we've got - the taps have signs on them, with the names of the beers."
"Oh yes - sorry - can I have a half-pint of Guinness?"
"It's off."
I was suddenly quite scared - I turned on my heel and ran out. I was delighted to get back into the rain and the fresh air. So much for my Highland idyll - I turned the car round and drove straight back to Edinburgh. At least when I argued with my first wife I knew what I was getting into.
I've always thought my Strathyre Lunch could have made the basis of a good mystery story - the stranger who disappeared. The man who was ritually murdered because he asked for lunch - the police never bothered to investigate, naturally.
Subsequently
After telling the story to the Contesse, the other day, I decided I would do some Internet poking-about, and see if the pub is still open. I forgot about the matter for a couple of days, but this morning I remembered, and I find that the pub - at least nowadays - is The White Stag. It looks quite nice, in fact - I'm sure it's been under new management for decades now. While I was surfing, I came across a bad review of the place on TripAdvisor - pretty spectacularly bad, in fact - and I came across a pretty heavy response from the current owner - I attach them here, in case you find them as entertaining as I did.
Maybe my mystery story is still a possibility - I'm sure the man with the glass eye would have sorted out any trouble-makers - I hope standards have not dropped since 1988.
Of course, we didn't have scope for giving bad reviews with such high visibility then - in those days you had to look people in the eye - real or fake - and deal with them. What an impoverished world it was, now I think about it.
Here's a bit of Jimmy Shand to provide some closing music - serves you all right. Have a good New Year anyway.
Always an interesting tale and never a dull moment for you. I enjoyed the TripAdvisor review and response.
ReplyDeleteThat occasion in the bar in 1988 was just about the only time I have ever panicked in my life! I've driven through the village a few times since, but never stopped, and invariably have retold the pub story - to the chagrin of any passengers.
DeleteThe whole account makes for a ripping yarn as it is (in my view).
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year,
Stokes
Happy New Year, Stokes.
DeleteIt could possibly be taken as some form of ill informed prejudice on my part given my limited personal experience of the Highlands in the 70's but your experience does seem to fit.....
ReplyDeleteby the way, having recently been listening to the Corries on youtube, including the 'Earl of Moray', and having had to look up 'Castle Doune' to see if it was an actual place or if I had been actually mishearing the lyric as 'from the castle down', I was delighted to see you mention it.
ReplyDeleteSmall things.
No, Doune is a real place - "going up to Doune" is a regular source of feigned hilarity in my family - what laughs we have...
DeleteOne assumes 'John from London' must have been on holiday to have visited as many times as he did... bet the whole town turned out to cheer when he went home.. :o))
ReplyDeleteStrathyre has lots of accommodation - B&Bs, holiday chalets, all sorts. Not so sure about places to drink - there's the Munro Inn, which is quite a big place (coach tour haven?) - they have tartan carpets in the dining room, as evidenced by their website. I don't think John from London would have got in the door. So John must have been forced to keep trying the White Stag - or maybe he didn't remember.
DeleteI did a bit of Google Maps street view on the village - the old Station Hotel in the first photo (which I never saw) is now a licensed B&B, as far as I can tell - certainly there has never been a station in the area for many years. It's great walking country - it's now on the Rob Roy Trail (what on earth is that?) - if you check you may find that your house is also on the Rob Roy Trail.
Just a thought - does 'John from London' have a glass eye and play pool? I bet he's a regular who has recently discovered TripAdvisor.
DeleteI once witnessed an altercation between an aggressive drunk and a barman in a nearby village. When I congratulated the barman later on how he'd handled it, he said: "What, Jerry? Nah, I'm used to it. We go through that every week after I chuck him out of the other bar."
Interesting - you could be on to something here. I checked John's pedigree on TripAdvisor - he's usually fairly positive in his reviews - mind you, he usually goes to the Costa Brava or the Algarve, though he does seem to have been impressed by Balloch - yes - quite so. What used to be known as an "unpleasant drinker" in my cabaret days.
DeleteAye, drinking on an empty head, perhaps?
DeleteExactly! :o)
DeleteHad a message from Big Rab, who suggests that John from London doesn't know he's born - if he misbehaved in Balloch during the Glasgow holiday he'd be sent home in bits.
DeleteGood point. I mentioned that particular pub to a lad at the wargames club who lived in that area. He seemed surprised I'd come out with both ears.
DeleteNever a dull moment here Tony, great story, well told and I got a good laugh from it with my morning coffee. Thank you :)
ReplyDeleteThis is how things are here, Lee, as you know. Sometimes it works out amusing, sometimes nobody knows what's going on at all!
DeleteHappy days, I remember with fondness my old Citroen BX a lovely car. Had similar experiences in some bars, but I particularly remember asking for a beer in a licensed cafe in north wales on the sabbath, where the whole establishment turned and looked at me as if I was the anti-Christ!! I was told it was forbidden to serve alcohol (local bylaw apparently) on the sabbath and if I caused any more trouble they wouldn't serve me. Being hungry I just tried to keep a low profile form then on, but I still got disproving glances for the rest of my stay.
ReplyDeleteI liked my Citroens - they were all a bit eccentric, but interesting. The GSA I owned had the self-levelling suspension, and it also had a 5-speed box, which was a bit exciting at the time, yet it didn't have self-cancelling indicators - discuss? The last one I had was a 3-litre XM, which was a flying machine, but the steering alignment went wacky, so that it would veer up the camber of the road when you put your foot down, and then veer back down the camber when you braked - since the Edinburgh dealer couldn't understand how to fix this, that was the last Citroen I owned. The BX was a good, reliable car - it was my first company car, in fact, and it was delivered a week late, which meant that it arrived on a Friday, and the following morning I had to drive the family on holiday to Bernkastel, on the Mosel. Right. A focused learning experience.
DeleteWelsh pubs - I remember a pub somewhere in the St David's area which had a county or parish (or something) boundary running through the building, so that they had two bars which had different licensing hours - one opened earlier, but the other closed later - thus there was a controlled migration around 10pm each night. This may be apocryphal, of course, but I seem to remember being there.
That's a grand story. I had a similar experience once in a bar in northern Manitoba, when the freezing cold outside became preferable to its dubious charms, but that's another story.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of vintage sports and racing cars, have you seen the film Ford Vs Ferrari? Rather good, I thought, and I know nothing about the subject.
Cheers,
Michael
Hi Mike - haven't seen the movie - I'll check it out. The Manitoba story sounds worth a run out!
DeleteA deserted pub near St David's refused to serve us because we had the children with us even when we offered to sit outside. My dad loved citroens and had a DS in the late 60's. this was pretty rare in N Staffordshire. Whenever we saw another he would literally stop in the middle of the road and have a chat with the other owner.
ReplyDeleteGuy
They obviously like(d) their hospitality with a bit of discipline. Strange. In another century, I was once in Martin Irons' restaurant (Thistle Street, Edinburgh) for lunch, hosted by a gentleman from a software house who were selling my company contract programmers. My host asked Mrs Irons if he might smoke between courses, and she said no he could not smoke, and he had to leave for asking - we left without paying, after one course. That seems an oddly old-fashioned problem now.
DeleteDS - excellent!
.....ah... that quintessential moment at the beginning of the (only version worth watching) of Day of the Jackal when the ministerial DS's arrive for the meeting... stunning.. :o)
ReplyDeleteNever seen the film - I must remedy that. Thanks for reminding me - I think last time I looked I found that the current DVD got a slating in the reviews. I'll look again.
DeleteWhen I first visited Paris, as a youngster (my grandfather lived in Paris), the place was full of ID's and DS's, and a lot of them were battered to bits, because of the shunting technique employed in Paris city parking in those days - the big Citroens were particularly prone to damage, with all the curved body panels - I recall seeing a white DS with the bonnet held shut with a piece of pink ribbon - otherwise it would have flapped open, like the accident scene in Tati's "Traffic".
My cousin and I spent a few summer holidays there - our favourite tourist attraction was a garage on the Ile de la Grande Jatte, at Neuilly, where we used to watch the guys working on commercial vehicles - Saviem, Citroen, Panhard. All grey, now I think of it. A proper garage. I tried to find it last time I visited Paris, but the whole area is luxury apartments now.
Reminiscent of a return journey from a music event in London as a student. A coach of about 30 of us stopped at Watford gap en rout back to Hull. This was about 1.00am and Watford Gap was a 24 hour services. In we all trooped looking for food and drink. The one food outlet (this was before food courts, in fact it was only shortly after food was invented in the view of my grandkids, so choice was limited. As in 'foods off' despite there clearly being food out in the warming trays. So we asked for tea or coffee, 'Hot Drinks are off' came the response. could we get a glass of water at least then? 'Waters off'. While this was going on our coach driver was tucking into a complimentary bacon butty and mug of coffee from the same outlet. Oh how I wish trip advisor had been a thing back then.
ReplyDeleteThat is a sad story - it is, of course, possible that your party may have been a little Northern for them, so this was a racial slur as well. Think of the money you saved...
DeleteWhat we need is a time machine, so that we may go back and give them a good kicking.