This is a photo of my current car. It may be the ugliest car I've ever owned, it is most certainly the cleverest. It is also probable that I may be the most stupid individual ever to drive one of these. At dinner, following the recent game at Stryker's, conversation briefly turned to the pressure inflicted on motorists by the latest technological solutions to problems we never even realised we had. This was all jocular and well-intentioned. I hadn't realised that my own car would have a louder laugh at my expense on the way home.
To put this in context, Stryker's home is in a small village in a very quiet area - the absence of light pollution is such that as I type this there may well be scientists in another galaxy, studying the place. I can tell you that after some initial uncertainty as to how the lights were working, I arrived at a road junction, close to the Front of Beyond, to find it was completely black - couldn't see a thing.
[1] What I did not say to myself, as I came to a stop somewhere close to where I thought the Give Way line might be, was, "oh gosh - of course, my car just had its first service a couple of days ago, and they must have switched off all the automatic driver aids - especially the lights. How silly of me not to have thought of this earlier; I shall switch the lights to AUTO at once - fortunately, I know where this control is..."
[2] What I did say to myself was a loud and rather repetitive incantation concerning Holy Mary and her relationship to Our Saviour.
However, the lights did go on, and - to maintain the religious theme - you could see for bloody miles.
All right then - no marks for roadmanship, but the terror levels decreased abruptly. A focused learning experience, as we used to say at work, years ago.
Incident closed, then. Yes, except that this morning I went for a haircut, and the hairdresser told me that she has recently had the same adventure. In her case too it was the vehicle's first service, and - like me - she had never driven it without all the aids switched on. In her case the service was carried out by her local Volkswagen dealer, who also ran a routine software upgrade which seems to have failed. It occurs to me that this must be a situation which is less rare than I might have expected, and suggests that anyone who gets a modern car serviced should be left with a printed notice which says, "Servicing your vehicle required some changes to, or resetting of, driver aids which you may have come to rely on; recommend you check you can still drive the thing before you set off. Have a nice day."
Describe the accident in your own words.
Never saw a bloody thing.
At least you are free the constant software updates in a work environment; imagine a day of those frustrations followed by your adventurous drive home.....
ReplyDeletePerhaps AI has decided there are too many humans and has independently taken corrective action?
Mark my words it will be your dishwasher / microwave / heating system next (as AI says delete as applicable....) ☺☺☺
Neil
PS it does want me to publish this!
There are no limits to the trickery - there must be a double bluff on the way. It seems odd that they would adopt such convoluted ways of getting rid of us. A volcano or a big meteorite would be more certain - unless there is an audience - you don't think there's an audience, do you? Or a madman in charge of the world's most powerful nation could do a lot of damage. If everybody's microwave exploded on the same day, questions would be asked.
DeleteIt is stories like this that make me glad I can't drive Tony. Still, all's well.....
ReplyDeleteTo tell the truth Jim, I'm not sure I can drive either. Maybe I'm not needed.
DeleteIt's more a case of switching them off, mine has all sorts of aids to make sure you don't cross lanes, fall asleep, etc. You can switch them off but they will come on again next time you start the car as there is no way to set a personal default setting. Trying to get the various warnings to go away is really distracting and must be worse than using a phone while driving (which I don't). What makes it worse is that the controls are all touch screen so you can't do them by feel, like good old-fashioned switches, you have to look at what you're doing! And just don't get me started on the visibility from inside modern cars.
ReplyDeleteI have decided that I must learn to love the system. If these devices save my life just once, I'll be prepared to overlook quite a few irritations along the way. I recall that, after an hour's break for lunch, my car bleeped at me and told me "Take a Break" as I drove out of the car park at Washington Services - I know it's just trying to be friendly.
DeleteWhen my toaster's IQ exceeded mine, well, I started to revaluate my priorities. But the toaster would no let me.
ReplyDeleteHelp! I am a prisoner.
This message was found on a toasted crumpet.
DeleteMy mates car says, "Hello Neil" to him every time he gets in? Its all to freaky for me!
ReplyDeleteWhy? What's his name?
DeleteWell, I've seen uglier. My Audi has all sorts of features I barely understand, but one, the automatic braking, kicked in when I was distracted by some function on the large tablet that all cars must carry, it seems, and so saved me from rear ending someone. I read today that some car manufacturers are bringing back knobs, so maybe everything old will be new again. Cheers, Michael
DeleteHi Michael - the automatic braking does get a generally bad press. I think I am mostly concerned that I may not be able to cope if I suddenly have to decide for myself whether it is raining.
DeleteI drive an old cheap car with none of these "aids" apart from a useful "ping" that reminds me to turn the lights off. The worst thing about hiring a car these days is that even basic models nag you when you are a good meter away from the car parked in front, or behind, or within 3 metres of a car in the next lane, or your front wing is too close to one of those concrete posts. [Bollards? No it's true].
ReplyDeleteApart from the light ping, the only useful driving aid is the reversing camera. I still have a TV with an aerial too.
Do you think I stand more chance of surviving the AIpocalypse?
I think you may not get to hear about the Apocalypse, which seems like an advantage. This year I had some eye trouble (apparently I became allergic to one of the prescription eyedrops I took for glaucoma) which actually stopped me driving for a little while; my eyes were sore and swollen, and the driver monitoring system, which watches your eyes to check you are still alive and staring at the road, became very upset that it couldn't find anything which looked like an eyeball (my eyes were more like sausage rolls for a while), so complained constantly about my not keeping my eyes on the road, and disabled a few of the controls. The makers obviously have an appreciation of irony, since the eyes-on-road banner appears (and obscures some otherwise useful information) if, for example, you look at the display to find what it's upset about. The safe distance warnings may require carparks to become larger.
DeleteYou've got to love modern technology—There's nothing quite like pitching up at a dark junction in the middle of nowhere to find the main dealer has reset all your controls. Good to hear you managed to summon the lights back to life!
ReplyDeleteAll the best, Andy
Hi Andy - I had an interesting second or two, expecting an 8-wheeler, lit up like Blackpool Tower, to arrive from my right at a smart 70mph. Fortunately he must have been terrorising someone else.
DeleteI received an email from Prof De Vries, who said he did not recognise my car, and was it an Isuzu? No - in fact it is a Subaru. My previous 3 cars were all Mitsubishis, and I was well pleased with them, but around Brexit time it seems that Mitsubishi became very fed up with trying to find a grown-up to speak to about the future of emission regulations in the UK, so they decided they could sell enough of the things elsewhere to afford to pack up selling them here. My dealer became a Subaru dealer overnight, and there you go. My dealer also sells Isuzu trucks and pickups, so there must be a connection somewhere. I observe that the driver aids and much of the other automation on the Subaru are/is very similar to my last Mitsu, and I suspect that the regulations, the standards and probably even the chips are shared by multiple manufacturers. That makes sense, I guess, as long as they all work.
ReplyDeleteThat makes total sense—so much of the tech under the bonnet is shared across brands these days! Sad about Mitsubishi pulling out post-Brexit, but at least your dealer kept you rolling in something familiar (even if the lights had a mind of their own for a moment!).
DeleteAll the best, Andy
Ive never owned a new car, and in my current (second hand car) the previous owner had turned on every single warning and alert possible, including speed camera warnings. I spent days driving around accompanied by a cacophony of pings and beeps until I managed to turn all the damn things off. I do like the reversing camera and proximity sensors but whoever invented automatic lights needs shooting. OK for cities, less good in pitch black countryside. Harrumph.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that I have grown very fond of (and dependent on) the "high beam assistant" which automatically dips the headlights very nicely for oncoming traffic and built-up area lighting - that's one thing which I find ideal for the countryside.
DeleteI visit my son, it is getting dark. He say's 'Alexa, dining light on' - nothing happens. He says 'Alexa, dining light on' - nothing happens. In a louder and sterner voice he says 'Alexa, dining light on' - nothing happens.
ReplyDeleteBehind me is that wall switch, I turn and partly stand, it takes around 2 seconds. When I press the switch, the lights come on.
Lol!
DeleteThere's something strange in this. There's a mysterious show of commitment to being "modern" or something. I can remember back in another century when guys would bore the life out of each other with wild tales of the new Black & Decker add-on tool they'd bought for their electric drill. Be the only kid in your street with a phone app which does absolutely nothing. Not quite in another century, I remember an episode with Mikey, who was the biggest iPhone enthusiast in the village - this back in the days when people installed apps which made the phone look like a foaming glass of beer etc. This particular Saturday, a group of us were going to get together to put all the scenery in the bowling club clubhouse for next week's charity show. We agreed to meet in the pub at 7:30. Mikey, who had the keys to the clubhouse, arrived about 9:30, with all the scenery in his van. Naturally we needed another couple of pints before we set off to do the job. Much of this scenery had been painted by the kids at the primary school, so I thought I'd better check the weather - I stepped outside, and it had started raining fairly heavily, so went back in to suggest that we had better leave it till the following day. Mikey was absolutely furious because I had gone out to check the weather, since he had wanted to have an excuse to check it on his phone. He didn't speak to me for a couple of days - this was serious. Mikey is still alive and well, I don't know if he gets much done nowadays, but he was a washout then.
DeleteThere's an entire conspiracy theory that 'they' will decide to simultaneously send an update to all cars that will disable them, causing mayhem.
ReplyDeleteStick to a vehicle from early this century or older!!!
If Mr Putin also disables the mobile phone systems and cuts the GPS out then everything should shut down nicely. Never mind - think of the fuel we'll save.
DeleteI believe one of the motives behind self-driving cars is so that they can be made to self-reposess at the touch of a button should payments fall behind.
DeleteThat's brilliant. Alternatively, they could take you somewhere you don't want to go. There could be a graduated scale.
Delete