A discursive look at Napoleonic & ECW wargaming, plus a load of old Hooptedoodle on this & that


Friday, 24 May 2019

Hooptedoodle #333 - Fake News

I thought it would be best to put this note out now, to avoid any baseless rumours.


I have come under some pressure recently to put myself forward as a prospective leader of the Conservative Party - it was even suggested that it might be expected of me. I have thought about it long and hard for at least seven minutes, and I regret to say that I shall not be doing this; I do not wish to disappoint anyone, but I think it is only right and proper to be straightforward about the matter.

(1) I have become alarmed at what I can only see as falling standards of behaviour in the House of Commons. I have to assume that the emergence of a reality-TV celebrity as President of the US has triggered an appetite for the proceedings of the British Parliament to be converted into a reality-TV show in its own right. Whatever, I feel I might find the working environment to be insufficiently dignified. Call me old-fashioned if you wish.

(2) I fear that my Thursday bridge evenings would cause something of a clash with the requirements of the job, and I could not live with myself if I did not give the thing my full attention.

(3) The timescale is very short - there is not enough time for a proper lobotomy, even a private one.

(4) I have some difficulty with the idea that the internal squabbles of the Party are somehow more important than the fate of the nation. I accept that the problem appears to be my own, but, again, I would find this a distraction.

Thus - with all due thanks and sincere appreciation to those who have encouraged me to stand for election, I confirm that I shall not be doing so. I am confident that whoever does get the job will do at least as well in the role as I could have done, so I extend to them my best wishes.

If anyone feels the wish to suggest some suitable candidates, I would be delighted to hear from them.   

17 comments:

  1. This is all rather disappointing as I as hoping to that being a great-grandchild of a British Subject was enough to earn the right to intervene over there with a vote. Someone has to. The lack of suitable candidates looks to be a big part of the problem.

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    1. Can't disagree with that. I've had a couple of suggestions by email for suitable candidates, and it becomes obvious that I should have made it clear that pets and similar are not eligible. Candidates have to be real, live humans - there are certain other criteria too.

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  2. So you will stand aside and let Boris take the reins? Lord help us and Save us, as my old Nan used to say.

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    1. Sorry to be such a coward. I suspect the popular press may be missing the point about fancied candidates and so on. The smart move, if someone plans deliberately to break the economy, is not to be the nominal leader when it happens but to be one of the invisible investors. I suspect that there may be some surprise ducking out of the leadership race.

      To offer a rather crude analogy, being the man who becomes famous for steering the Titanic into an iceberg is not a great idea; being the man who has previously bought all the lifeboats in the North Atlantic and has them on the spot, for hire - that is a better idea. The Robber Barons have been investing in lifeboats for a while, I think.

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    2. Lee - supplemental - my Nan used to say "Lord bless us and save us". If they'd had Instagram they would at least have all said the same thing, I guess. I wonder what will happen to all that traditional stuff? Someone will just keep on repeating that it is now the 21st Century. Mind you, he'll only keep repeating it until the electricity switches off.

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  3. I have had a rummage in my 28mm bits and bobs box and found just the chap. He is plastic, rather than lead, so although a lightweight, he has sharp looks and I think in terms of presentation, he does at least look the part and I mean, after-all, that is what really matters in a social media world.

    He is an ACW Union General, though I have the same figure as a Confederate general, so being able to represent either cause is probably good and of course a key skill in becoming ineffective by trying to please everyone and nobody.

    He is also wearing his trousers, which is probably a bonus for an appointment in public office and though he is pointing authoritatively with a heavy gloved hand, he is doing so in a non-accusing way and it helpfully draws the eye away from his other hand, which holds a rather sharp and dangerous sword.

    He is a veteran campaigner, which will see him through the next few testing weeks of giving inspiring speeches while appearing sincere. My only fear is that he may be over qualified and of course once he is spruced up, he is likely to be called to active service, so may well not be available most Friday evenings or Sunday afternoons.

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    1. Excellent - sounds very promising. We must collect these candidates and set up a proper ballot paper - though the joke may wear thin very quickly, I guess.

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  4. Rylan Clark-Neal is a shoe in. He's fake. He knows naff all. Has a burgeoning TV career. Married. Double-barrelled name. He has experience of dealing with the Europeans (on Eurovision). And the great unwashed like voting for him.

    His partner's gender might not go down well with the party's Blue-rinse Tendancy though.

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    1. He sounds very suitable. I fear you may have over-sold him here - he sounds almost too good to be true. I have a vague memory that I had bed sheets made of something with a name very like Rylan when I was a kid. They were slightly fluffy, and used to generate a violent flash of lightning when I got up in the morning and tried to turn on the tap in the bathroom.

      I was so traumatised I hardly washed at all during my teen years. These memories stay with you.

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  5. I can contribute nothing material as my grandfather chose to be born four years after arriving in New Zealand ( :-D ). However, given the 'special relationship' that the UK has with the US (which the UK takes a whole lot more seriously than the US does), methinks a certain BoJo the Clown might be a suitable candidate.

    By suitability, I mean no particular endorsement of BoJo's capacity, except, perhaps, that the similitude of physical appearance between Messrs Clown and Trump might well be matched by their similarity in ability as well as their comparable engagement with reality. Two of a kind.

    But could the world stand it?

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    1. A scary prospect. I'm not so sure about BoJo (known in our household as Fozzy Bear) - if he takes over as party leader he has to be able to command a majority in the House. Them's the rules, I believe. His no-deal doctrine might be a problem there, you would think. If he can't line up a majority then I think we get to a General Election. Why anyone would vote for either of the main parties ever again eludes me at the moment, but I am staying tuned. The choice of Tory party leader, and thus potential PM, of course, is in the hands of the 120,000 or so active party members - which seems a long way from the sacred spirit of democracy of which I hear so much. Which "will of the people" would this represent? Which bloody people? Oh well.

      I have just thought of an excellent candidate for party leader - there is a scarecrow in a field a couple of hundred yards from where I'm sitting. He works all hours, he is incorruptible, he has good experience of the world of food production and he has calm, businesslike presence. He does not say anything - therefore he wouldn't be on the radio much. I would vote for him.

      I think the next Tory leader gets handed the job as another fall-guy - this is a no-win appointment. The glitter of brief stardom seems to win through, though. I may be remembered as a prat, but at least I got on national TV. Britain's Got Talent.

      Nah.

      Anyway, someone will come along and correct what I've just said, and tell us all what to think. Thank goodness for Border Collies.

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  6. I don't think your Bridge nights would be a problem necessarily, but you might be advised to always lead 'No Trumps'. However, since the party rank and file are clearly all fantasy gamers...

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  7. Mr Sarrazin suggests that a prime-time Parliamentary TV show might be just the thing to fill the vacant slot left by Jeremy Kyle. I'm not sure about that - I'm not even sure it is OK to mention such a thing.

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  8. I am afraid you would be counted out immediately Tony... your are by all appearances too organised...
    I am rather tempted by the Infinite Monkey Theorem...
    We elect... say... a thousand monkeys or possibly chimpanzees give them ...as it is the 21st century...iPads... and let them get on with it... hopefully one of them will be able to stick their head up their own arse and then they can be leader.
    Although thinking about how things are... we may have this arrangement already.

    The other option is a pair of my old shoes...

    All the best. Aly

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    1. Reminded me that I haven't heard this for a long time...

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGdMTLgU4hE

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    2. I think he may be quoting BoJo’s next speech...

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