Hooptedoodle #337 - Garrulus Glandarius - and more on the Swallow Saga

The Contesse did very well to spot this today, snaffling some bread from the lawn (braving the jackdaws...). In fact I'd seen it a couple of days ago, sitting on the overhead power lines in the fading evening light, but it was on the other side of the lane, and I couldn't make it out clearly - just a vaguely grey bird, too small for a wood pigeon, wrong shape for a thrush.

Well, of course this is a Jay - garrulus glandarius - really not such a rarity at all, though they are not so common in Scotland, but we've never seen one here before. Only time we've ever seen a Jay was in my parents' garden, almost 20 years ago, when they used to live in Liverpool.

Anyway, he's most welcome (provided he behaves nicely, of course). I believe that you usually hear jays before you see them, so we'll keep an ear open for that.

Separate, though related, topic - Swallows again

I have occasionally recorded here our impressive lack of success in discouraging swallows from nesting in our woodshed. This reached a farcical crescendo with the introduction of a fake owl, who failed so dismally that he is now sentenced to stay in the woodshed until further notice, so that he may observe the annual arrival of the swallows and reflect on his inadequacy.

I hasten to say that we have nothing against swallows - they are, in any case, protected - but it seems a bit unnecessary for them to fly all the way from Africa each Spring just to build another shambolic nest in our woodshed and crap on everything in sight. So this year's Grand Plan involved something a little more ambitious than a plastic owl. I commissioned Chuff the Joiner (excellent fellow - replaced our Velux windows in the attic a couple of years ago) to build a caged entrance gate to the woodshed - timber and 16-gauge galvanised steel mesh - to keep out the swallows (and the rats, and the cats...). I also got him to line the timber back wall (which has gaps between the boards) with the same mesh. Fantastic - now we can stop the nests merely by forcing the little beggars to go and build elsewhere. What could possibly go wrong?

That's right - you guessed. Chuff was late starting the job, so that by the time the gate was complete the swallows already had built their nest in the shed, and had eggs in it. Thus we now have to spend the rest of the Summer being careful to prop the door open, so that the swallows are able to come and go without hindrance, and their babies will not die. I guess we just have to get rid of the nest and clean the place up when they have all gone back to Africa in the Autumn.

In the meantime, it does hurt just a little to have to keep the smart new £450 gate propped open. I particularly did not appreciate the adult swallows sitting on the power lines this morning, hissing and tutting disapprovingly when I was working in the garden. All right - I accept they think it is their garden, but it does seem a little ungrateful in the circumstances.

Next year, though - next year...

Quatre Bras - 16th June 1815

General view at commencement, from behind the French right flank. Quatre Bras itself is represented by the building in the distance, just below the purple cushion(!). No idea who that bloke by the fireplace is - he was there quite a lot

Very enjoyable game at Goya's estates yesterday. As always, we were sumptuously entertained and looked after. Thanks very much for everything, gentlemen!

The game was the Commands & Colors scenario #014, which is a standard-sized 13x9 hex set up. We used my Ramekin adaptation of the C&CN master game, with a few (inevitable) beta-test tweaks, of which I shall say a little more later (assuming I remember). I was Marshal Ney, in command of the French forces (most of which I brought with me across the bridge from sunny East Lothian), while Stryker was Wellington, in charge of the Allied army. Goya chose to umpire, which was a most generous thing to do, in the interests of keeping the sides balanced. Apart from my own troops, there were lots of lovely soldiers on view - I must apologise that my photographs may not do this justice - Stryker will undoubtedly produce something more satisfactory, so I look forward to that.

If a little French bias creeps into what follows, I trust you will believe that it is unconscious, and merely a result of my having spent a day looking at the game from a French viewpoint.

The scenario allows the French an extra Victory Point (VP) if they hold the actual crossroads at Quatre Bras - 9 VPs for a win.

The game started with most activity around the Bossu Wood, on my left. My intention was to use my light infantry battalions (I only had two) to try to flush out the Dutch-Belgian (henceforth D-B) and Hanoverian troops before the British got their terrifying (and large) Foot Guard units in there. We started well enough, eliminated a D-B foot battery which was set up on the edge of the wood, but thereafter things got bogged down - my light infantry did not do well - one unit managed to stray too far from Command and thus were unable to move into a promising-looking attack, and that whole flank got bogged down very quickly, which meant I was pretty slow getting my infantry and heavy cavalry over the (fordable) river and a little ridge and setting about the Allied centre. When we did get that going it went fairly well for a while, but a pattern emerged which was recognisable from what we saw at our Albuera game some weeks ago - the French managed to wear themselves out fighting the relatively "softer" non-British troops (who actually fought very well) so that by the time we got to confront the British reserve we were already running out of steam. One big lesson of the day was a reminder that heavy cavalry are badly handicapped without horse artillery - we didn't have any. The chances of breaking an infantry square with cavalry are not good (especially if the damned squares are on a hill), but using the cavalry to force the infantry into square and then having something else to hit them with (such as horse artillery!) would have been a much more useful strategy. Oh well.

The game was close. At one point, quite early on, I was 6-3 down on VPs, then I got it back to 6-6, then my attack in the Centre got it up to 7-6 in my favour, then it came back to 7-7, and the end, when it finally came, was quite sudden. One of my battalions was eliminated in melee, and General Bachelu was killed along with them, at which point the Allies won 9-7. It is a bit of a constant theme of these games to say that it could have gone either way, but it really could. Anyway, history won out, I guess, which is something of a compliment to the scenario designers.

Stryker made a very good job of moving his forces nimbly and effectively in the space available - the Prince of Orange and The Duke of Brunswick were especially successful at rallying their troops when they had suffered under fire. This is really an encounter battle - neither side has the mix of troops nor the starting positions they would ideally choose. The Brunswick artillery were effective, and there was a particularly troublesome RA battery which I chased off the ridge a couple of times, but each time they brushed themselves down and climbed back up to resume fire. Stand-out performances? Hard to say, really - the D-B boys did pretty well, the Foot Guards are unstoppable if they get going, the French artillery was unusually effective. As French commander, it felt from fairly early on that I was going to run very short of fresh troops eventually (since, historically, D'Erlon's boys were not present, spending their day marching around somewhere between Quatre Bras and Ligny) and, though the day swung backwards and forwards for a while, that is eventually what happened.

Good game - a fairly stodgy start by the French, but exciting stuff later on. Quatre Bras on Waterloo Day - that's not bad, is it?

Opening situation, from behind French left. Bossu Wood is most of the foreground - Perponcher's D-B boys are well established in there. In the middle distance the French cavalry await instructions, while Foy's infantry confront the Dutch-Belgians in the centre. At the far end, Bachelu's division glare across the river at the Brunswickers

The river was not an obstacle, though anyone trying to fight their way out of it might have been a little incommoded. Prince William's chaps on the ridge to the right of the river reconsidered their position when the French Grand Battery opposite opened up. Note the proper, Old School Bellona bridges...

Ah yes - the Bois de Bossu. Didn't go well for us. You see the Legere boys going in there to dispose of the Dutch-Belgians. Ha! We eliminated the battery on the edge of the wood, but that was as good as it got in this part of the field

Slender Billy (seen waving his hat in the distance) sensibly shifted his men behind the high ground to get them away from the Grand Battery in the foreground (he may have been studying the ridge, to see if it would be possible to dig it up later to create a monumental mound)

Wider view of the same stage of the battle. That battery on the end of the ridge was a very persistent nuisance

Back to the Bossu - 2/25e Leger manage to get themselves stuck too far from commanders, and thus, without orders, do not have the wit to fire on the exposed enemy unit opposing them - they do take heavy losses, though. Oh well

Still struggling, 2/25e Leger fall back. Top left you can see Coldstream Guards approaching. Hmmm. This is not going to plan at all. The Guards were supposed to arrive to find the woods packed with crack French marksmen...

In some disbelief, General Kellerman came to help out, ensuring there at least was a General Officer near enough for the French left flank to be able to think straight, but things went from bad to worse. Those Guards are getting nearer, and - yes - that is a very large unit

Since the battle was obviously not going to be won over in the woods, Foy made a belated attack in the centre - that's him with the white border. The Grand Battery now being masked, Prince William, still waving his hat like the hero he is, got his boys to pop back up onto their ridge. The blue discs with "Tesco" embossed on them are, of course, order counters. Wellington and his staff are somewhere behind the building in the background

Foy's Division actually did pretty well here, and the French started to level up the VP score. The French cavalry started to come forward, too

Things suddenly look more promising for the French Centre, but those reserves on the right are a bit worrying

Since Foy doesn't have any reserves, so as you would notice, Bachelu makes a very late attack on the French right flank

Very welcome break for rations - grateful appreciation to our host. We decided against any selfies of the generals eating. We may not fight with skill, but we have elegance in abundance

Suitably refreshed, Ney sends forward his cuirassiers - no horse artillery, precious little support of any kind

Here he is - a little out of focus, but enthusiastic

All on their own-io, the cuirassiers get up onto the ridge - WHAT IS HE DOING?? WHAT IS NEY DOING??

Whatever he's doing, there's an awful lot of empty space on the French side of the river now

Inevitably, the battered cuirassiers are pulled back, while Bachelu (unseen by the camera) has just been eliminated at this end of the table - that's about game over...

On the Allied side of the field, it is evident that some of their units are just about hanging in there, but it doesn't matter now. You can see Wellington and his entourage just this side of Quatre Bras itself (complete with his trademark Travelling Tree), and you can also see the requisite nine Victory Banners. Job done

Game end, Allies on the left. It could, as I say, have gone either way, but a French win would have been a bit of a surprise - overall, I think we were beaten fairly thoroughly. Very enjoyable defeat, I have to say, and - as ever - educational! Sincere congratulations to that bloke by the fireplace

Rules? Not much to say - Ramekin system worked well enough - we had a rule tweak to allow units which had suffered loss to rally - this was a bit generous as drafted, but is worth refining - and we also re-introduced the Tactician Cards from C&CN Expansion #5, which put some surprises and a bit of welcome colour back into the game. We'll keep that as a useful option for the future. The revised balance between ranged combat and melee combat in Ramekin continues to work well - we did some tinkering with the abilities of various troop categories. All worked nicely enough.

Hooptedoodle #336 - Did I Jump Too Soon?

I've managed to steer clear of the Tory Leadership circus in the last few weeks, and I must say I feel a lot better for it. I reasoned that the party members are sufficiently self-obsessed to be able to carry on without my paying attention, which is a relief. Since my announcement that I would not be putting myself forward (see my Fake News Hooptedoodle from last month, if you can be bothered), I have had occasional requests to reconsider.

I confess that there have been moments when I was tempted - occasionally I would see one of the hopefuls in action, and find myself thinking, "you know, I could do that...", but commonsense has triumphed, I believe, and I am happy not to be involved. In any case, I'm trying to keep myself free in case I get offered the manager's job at Chelsea FC, which will probably have a more secure future than that of UK Prime Minister. The big problem for me is this Brexit thingy - I haven't the faintest idea what they are on about. We all have to accept our own limits, I think, and, though I have been waiting patiently for the Daily Mail to finally come to my aid, and explain clearly how this No-Deal business is all going to work (since they obviously understand it), I'm still none the wiser. Best to stay out of it, then - my Preston grannie would have had something pithy to say on the subject, you bet. 

I understand that the first of the televised debates for the real leadership candidates [real? - discuss] took place yesterday, and Mr B Johnson did not appear - his chair and lectern remained empty throughout. I didn't watch the thing, naturally, and I am reluctant to admit it, but I'm quite impressed by that. Not only did he set himself up to be the only candidate who did not disgrace himself last night by speaking drivel on live TV, but it seems he actually increased his share of the opinion poll by not turning up. Brilliant. Fleetingly, it occurs to me that I, too, could have failed to show up, but I'm sure I couldn't have done it so charismatically or impressively.

This is not a new concept - fairly recently, the United States elected a president who was not a politician, for example, so the idea of a null candidate has been around for a while. I recall that many years ago someone wrote a song in support of a US presidential nominee named Nobody - on the grounds that this was exactly the person who would govern with integrity, who would care for the poor and the sick, who would ensure that the legal system and taxation were fair for all, etc. I had a look, but couldn't find the old one (1970s? - yes - we've had buffoons around for as long as that). I did find this clip, however, which would be better if it hadn't been so childishly produced, but it makes the point. Clearly we have to have someone running things, but would a vacuum be better than an idiot? Worth thinking about. Does an empty chair have real advantages over Boris? Hmmm.

I'm bored with this now. I'm still not going to watch the next live debate, but am intrigued to see if this cunning ploy catches on, and no-one turns up to it at all - trying to out-absent each other. Keep your cards hidden. Say nowt. That would be something.

Better still, perhaps they could all just shut up and leave us in peace. I am sick to death of hypocrisy, flagrant dishonesty and self-promotion. Some clown tried to sue Mr Johnson recently for telling lies while serving in a public office. Imagine a politician telling lies - good heavens. That's not even funny.

How long can this confounded farce rattle on? No - it's OK - I don't really want to know.

Marshal Ney's command base now complete

The command grouping for Ney is finished now - the third figure is a General de Brigade from the Chief of Staff's department. This extra figure (on the left here) is another Art Miniaturen casting - this time an old, OOP one.

Don't tell us that Old Foy got three postings out of a single figure group, they chorused - has the man no shame at all? Well, I guess not - guilty as charged.

You know what happens to newly-painted troops? - these fellows are bound to meet with a very sticky end at Quatre Bras on Tuesday...

Ney's ADC

He's a day later than planned, but no matter - this is Marshal Ney's ADC, Colonel Pierre-Agathe Heymès, all ready for Quatre Bras next week.

A couple of things about Heymès: his background was in the horse artillery, which seems unusual for an aide; also, because I really had no idea, I checked with my consultant, and it seems that the French would pronounce his name "em-ess", with the stress on the first syllable. The French would probably also regard his name as sort of Spanish, I think. After the Restoration, he was appointed ADC to Louis XVIII, which surely cannot have been a very strenuous role.

The figure is one of the High Command at Waterloo set by Waterloo 1815 (in metal), but in the interests of calming him down a bit I have given him a more placid horse (by NapoleoN Miniaturas). He is still obviously a bit overexcited, but let's just assume he is waving his sword to attract attention, or to motivate the troops. At Waterloo, Heymès is usually depicted as riding a grey - as on Dumoulin's great panorama at the battlefield Rotunda. I have chosen to place him on another of his (numerous?) horses, since I regard a grey horse as a high-risk project, and I would not like to spoil this effort by mounting him on a ridiculous-looking cuddy.

Ney, being of Army or Corps-Command grade, is entitled to have two accompanying figures in my organisation. Commandant Lachoucque insists that Ney only had the one ADC in the Waterloo campaign, so the other one (which I start tomorrow) can be a rather mundane ADC borrowed from a Général de Division.

I must say I really enjoy painting staff figures. Something to do with my attention span, I think. Col Heymès can enjoy the distinction of being the most flashy soldier in the army until I get round to painting Soult's ADC (who is also in the queue).

The Return of Dan O'Herlihy

There's a battle coming up next week, and I have a few bits and pieces to sort out for my contribution to the spectacle. I have to paint up a couple of staff chappies, for a start. This evening's deliverable is Marshal Ney, gentlemen. His varnish is still wet and shiny, but here he is.

I do have an official Ney figure in the spares box - in fact I have a couple. I had intended to paint up Art Miniaturen's Marschall Ney, complete with bare head, waving sword and rearing horse, but I changed my mind. I also have the metal Waterloo Staff set from Waterloo 1815, but they are wildly dramatic - they are also, let it be said, some 25mm to the eyes [Massimo should drink less coffee]. The Perry Twins have now done the definitive charging Ney, albeit in a larger scale than I use, but Ney complete with bulging eyeballs, as seen in the rotunda painting, does not seem a very useful figure for me. So I've gone for a rather calmer Ney - it is an Art Miniaturen casting, right enough, but I think it's actually supposed to be Auguste Coulaincourt - I shall now forget all about that - this is Ney. I've given him a nice dashing white jabot, and he has the necessary red hair.

With a bit of luck he should have some staff by next week, and he should be a lot less shiny.

eBay - Definitely the End This Time

I recently posted a sad tale about an apparent hack of my PayPal account - I managed to take quick action on it, but it seems that not quite everything was sorted. I now find that I have been subjected to what is becoming a common scam - someone hacks into your PayPal account, inserts a fake address so that they can link to your eBay account, and then - as they have done in my case - sets up a fake listing for sale on your eBay account.

First I knew about it was when I started getting emails about an "unresolved issue" on eBay - someone wanted a refund because I had failed to deliver a set of security cameras which they had bought from me. Erm - security cameras? The listing was still active - it seems I had sold 1 out of 50 sets available. No money had reached me though PayPal. The purchase took place on 22nd May - the following day I got a request from eBay to change my password, and did so, though they sent me no details which might have put me on my guard. I changed my PayPal password as well (again), at the same time.

This morning I had a phone conversation with an eBay security man, based in the Philippines. He was very good and very reassuring - they were already aware of the problems with my account, and are in the process of cleaning everything up - the eBay listing has now been taken down, I have no need to worry about refunding anything - the purchaser (if there is one - that may be a scam too) will be reimbursed. The law enforcement authorities will be notified about the incident as appropriate. Was there anything else he could help me with?

Well, no - nothing else really. I will be closing my eBay account as soon as they let me back into it. That's enough - I've been muttering about this for ages - I think that God has now sent me a sign.

Watch your step. As it happens, I had kept a note of the full name and address which was hacked into my PayPal account, back in April. It is a guy named Nikolaj, who lives in London. Interestingly, the security cameras were supposedly for sale in London. OK - there's lots of people in London, but the man in the Philippines tells me the incidents are related. The security people were quite impressive, though I'd have been more impressed if they'd sorted the matter out before I reported it.

That's it for me - eBay now officially stinks - I have had good use out of it for 15 years, but for me its time is up. There are too many fifth-rate crooks hanging round the internet, trying to suck some blood out of the system.

Cheers, Nikolaj - I do have your full ID and address, and I do have friends in London. I shall fantasize about that for a bit. Incidents like this always (well, "always" is a bit strong - I'm very careful, and pretty savvy, and have had very few problems in the past) leave me feeling ashamed for being stupid. With hindsight, other than changing my passwords rather more frequently, I don't think I could have done much better.