Hooptedoodle #216 - Donkey Award - The Bank of Scotland

This is not going to be a rant, just a straight description of my recent adventures with the Bank of Scotland. If any of this seems odd or unsatisfactory from a customer’s point of view, I leave a judgement on that to the reader.

Some years ago I disposed of a (very) small business which I owned, and I closed the Bank of Scotland business account which I had opened for it. In fact I had made very little use of this account – the charges for deposits and cheque payments were unattractively high, and the account was really only used on the relatively rare occasions when a customer paid me by cheque – my main clients mostly paid by bank transfer (which was much cheaper) and my smaller customers almost always paid in cash (which, of course, was free).

So I went into the Dunbar High Street branch of Bank of Scotland, sometime around October 2011, handed over my cards and cheque book and paying-in books and returned the (unused) security token which I had been issued, and requested that the account be closed. All the bits and pieces were accepted over the counter, but I was told I would have to write to a particular address in Basingstoke to get the account closed.

OK – I did that. After this I received occasional letters advising me of subsequent changes to interest rates and account terms, but you would expect that – this is a bank, after all, and banks are idiots. In 2013 I was sent a replacement security token, which I promptly returned to the Dunbar branch.

Around February this year I received a letter telling me that the terms of this supposedly dead account were to change; from some date in the near future I would start paying some £8.60 per month just for the privilege of having it – if I were to use it in any way, of course, the charges would be much more punitive. So this time I gave up on the losers in Dunbar, and I went to see my friends in the North Berwick branch of BoS, told them that I thought I had already got rid of this problem, and asked them to sort things out, since I really didn’t want to pay anything for an account which I didn’t want or use, and which I had thought no longer existed.

The lady on the business desk was very helpful – she found my account on the computer files, and told me that they had never closed the account, since it had a positive balance of £2.42. This was a bit of a surprise, since I thought it had been empty when I closed it (or failed to close it, as it appears).

Anyway, now I received £2.42 in my hand, and signed a couple of bits of paper which authorised the bank lady to close the account. Very good – job done.

Not so fast. A letter arrived today to tell me that I now owe them 71 pence, which will be billed to this same account on 17^th April. A statement was enclosed, dated 10^th March, which shows that I was billed £0.70 for the debit of £2.42 from the account because – well, because that’s the charge for a withdrawal – plus an additional charge of 0.65% of the amount withdrawn – i.e. 1 penny.

Presumably they have been unable to close the account this time because there is a negative balance. Furthermore, apart from the potential monthly account fee of £8.60, I fear that I may be about to be hit with a further charge of £15 for having an unauthorised overdraft of 71 pence.

Whatever else I might have imagined I would be doing tomorrow, I now realise that I will be going back to the Bank of Scotland’s North Berwick branch at exactly 9:30am, and I am sincerely hoping that I will find some grown-ups in. I trust and believe that those lovely people will do what is necessary to prevent any further cost and inconvenience, but if they do not manage it I think I can promise that a rant will follow sometime later.

Just off the top of your heads, can anyone think of a single reason why we should continue to deal with retail banks? I have to confess that I am struggling to come up with anything. 

Wargaming Dangerous? - It May Be Official

I received an alarming email from Allan B, a veteran wargamer who lives in Nevada. Allan is also employed by the Nevada State Division of Environmental Protection, and he has become aware of some possible future regulations which may be of interest to wargamers everywhere.

There is a current civil lawsuit, which has not yet come to court, which involves a claim by a museum employee that he has had his health seriously damaged by working in an environment containing vintage diecast and other toys, without adequate protective measures being put in place. Little is known of the detail of this case as yet, but there is general concern that old toys containing lead and other heavy metals in alloy are seen as potentially unsafe.

One immediate effect is that the forthcoming wargames show in Carson City this summer is likely to be able to proceed only under special licence, and the insurers for the event have already pulled out, pending further investigations. It is possible that attendees will have to be issued with some kind of protective clothing – probably only gloves, though the possibility of some kind of breathing apparatus for staff working on the stands is not being ruled out.

The problem is State Regulation NRS 459.3816, apparently, which lays down requirements for organisations employing staff in potentially hazardous situations. Lead is present in most old paints, and lead and antimony were very common ingredients in cast metal toys manufactured until the 1970s. The difficulty, apparently, is not helped by the lack of precise knowledge of the dates when standard practice changed, nor of the exact age or manufacturing details of specific toys. Lead, in particular, can become unstable as it ages, and toxic free ions may be released with no apparent visible change to the object. The effects of lead poisoning are well known.

As yet there is no mention of the possibility of regulation concerning the domestic use of such old toys, but this may also become an issue, especially if the court case sets any worrying precedents. If the court finds in the claimant's favour, the knock-on effects could be world-wide.

Start looking for your grandad’s old gas mask?

Hooptedoodle #215a

Following on from the previous post...

Obviously I never knew Asad Shah on a personal level, and would probably not have crossed the street to make his acquaintance, so I am wary of becoming overly emotional over his passing, but something somewhere seems very wrong.

It may not even be appropriate, since the context was the Irish Republican movement in Ulster, and the outside influences which supported it, but on the grounds that it follows a generally relevant theme of peace and forgiveness, and anything but radicalism, I thought I'd post this.

I don't propose that we should all hold hands round the campfire and sing Come-Ba-Ya, but I love this song, and (silly old fool) usually get tears in my eyes when I hear it. For folk music enthusiasts, this is a great spot-the-faces session - some real heroes in this clip.

Hooptedoodle #215 - Asad Shah

It’s not often you get a link to the Daily Mail in this blog, but I thought this item of Glasgow news [click] might have slipped under your local radar, and I think we need to know these things.

Asad Shah, a peaceful, sociable man, a shopkeeper belonging to the Ahmadi Islamic community, was stabbed to death on Good Friday, apparently because he posted an Easter greeting on Facebook to the Christians in his local community.

Mr Shah’s business is in the Shawlands area of Glasgow, which is not normally a violent place. I have no wish to attempt to understand the internal tensions within Islam – it is clear that some feel very strongly about these issues, and it is also clear that there are people who – astonishingly, to me – feel that the world is not a sufficiently hateful place already.

I do not wish to leap to conclusions or condemn anyone, and it should be remembered that murders in Glasgow are in any case not infrequent, though they are mostly not religiously motivated. I am profoundly depressed – this one incident somehow sums up so much that is sick in the world.

The police have arrested a suspect, who is, in case anyone is keeping score, a 32-year-old Sunni Muslim, who would seem to have travelled from Bradford (200 miles away) to carry out his mission.

Social media? – maybe the world is not yet ready for civilisation at that level.

Jedburgh Abbey - Family Day Out

Since Good Friday was bright and less cold than of late (not actually warm, note) we set off on a trip to visit Jedburgh Abbey, in the Scottish Borders, which is about an hour and a half from here by car.

Very pleasant day. It seems odd to say this, but the Abbey is rather larger than it was last time I visited, since some more of it has been excavated following the demolition of some old housing near the river. The Visitor Centre is simple, but the audio-guided tour is excellent - recommended - giving a good overview of the history and a useful explanation of life in the place.

Architectural style is hybrid - the lower parts of the building are Romanesque, but the upper parts, which were added only 50 years or so later, are of a more Gothic style - fashions were changing. The builders were Augustinian "Black" Canons - this order was noted for involvement in towns and communities, so their buildings were usually less secluded than those of some of their contemporaries. The Abbey has traditionally been a church for the townspeople of Jedburgh as well as a retreat for the Canons, so has always had an important role in the life and history of the town.

Since Carter Bar and the English border are just a few miles down the A68, Jedburgh has always been right in the firing line whenever there was war or skirmishing raids, and the Abbey has taken a few severe kickings over the years. It's remarkable, really, that so much of it survives.

In more recent centuries, it has gradually been requisitioned as a burial ground by the prominent families of the area - notably the Kerrs and Rutherfords - and this results in a rather confused picture of the original working plan of the building - altars and fireplaces being shifted and altered to accommodate tombs.

Anyway - if you are around the area, it is definitely worth a visit - but go early in the day, to leave enough time for afternoon tea in the splendid little Chocolate House in the town (which closes at 4pm - the mysteries of Borders commerce?).

Nearer home, the bird feeders in our garden continue to be frantically busy. In addition to the usual suspects, we have seen a welcome return by a very vigorous family of Siskins (who have been absent for some years), and we are also delighted to see a few Greenfinches, who have been badly hit by a fungus disease in recent times, but show signs of recovery, in this area at least.

It also goes without saying that I am deeply indebted to the Contesse for her splendid photography.

Hooptedoodle #214 - A Brush with the Watchers

Erm – excuse me – good morning.

Good gracious me – what a fright! – you shouldn’t give someone a start like that when he’s shaving. What the blazes are you doing in my bathroom, anyway?

I’m sorry – allow me to introduce myself – my name is Thaddeus. I’m a Marketing Sprite – in fact I am a Junior Executive level Marketing Sprite.

And why are you in my bathroom…?

Well, we are aware…

We? Who is “we”?

It’s complicated, really - it doesn’t matter who we are – we are the beings who monitor the smooth running of the modern world, and we have been increasingly aware that you frequently display signs of a lack of buy-in – hostility, even – to the way things work. [Consults miniature iPad] – yes, it’s all here – within recent months you have expressed dissatisfaction with – let me see – the design of electric air fragrancers, the quality of budget sports socks, the value-for-money represented by the UK TV licence, the cost of inland postage, the Extended Guarantee movement, bananas – bananas? – yes, bananas, apparently [scrolls down rapidly] – the list goes on and on.

Are you telling me someone takes note of my views on these things?

Well, “takes note” is probably not the correct phraseology – our task is not made easier by the fact that you steadfastly refuse to complete satisfaction questionnaires (in fact one of your episodes was on the subject of exactly these questionnaires, I see), but we have a developing picture of a non-believer, a potential subversive, and I have been commissioned to visit you to gain some insight, to improve our records.

Just a minute – what do you mean, “episodes”?

Well, we have sensors in place – they operate through mobile phone pylons, as you may know – any spells of dissatisfaction, or non-compliance with our accepted standards of behaviour are recorded and calibrated.

Calibrated?

Exactly – as an example, a 5 on the Discontent Scale is officially termed a Rant, and then there are Tantrums, Tirades and so on up to complete Ridiculous Intemperance, which is, fortunately, very rare. What has triggered this morning’s visit appears to be… [checks list] a Level 7 Strop on the subject of razor blades. What appears to be the problem?

This morning’s problem was that my spare blades do not fit my razor, Thaddeus – since they are from the same manufacturer, that seems unnecessarily inconvenient.

Ah yes – it says here that you have a variety of razors – 4, in fact – which between them take 3 different styles of replacement blades. That seems an unusually high number – is there some reason for this? Is it possible that you could improve the situation by, for example, being better organised?

Well I suppose I could. The problem comes when I go away from home – I pack shaving kit, including shave gel, a razor and a pack of spare blades. Without fail, I find that the fitted blade is knackered, but that I have brought a Mach3 Turbo razor and a pack of Fusion blades (or possibly vice-versa), and they do not fit. So I have to go out and buy some blades – and, because a new razor fitted with a single blade is much cheaper than a new pack of blades, I end up with yet another razor. My wife is far better at understanding these things, but she is rarely present when I am shaving.

You could, of course, buy packs of disposable razors – that would do away with the mismatch problem.

Well it would, but since I already have a copious supply of razors and packs of blades, that is not really a helpful suggestion, Thaddeus. It would be far more helpful if the Gillette Company did not make two directly comparable products, with different blade fittings, thus making extra profit out of customer confusion.

Is it so difficult to remember whether you are using a Fusion or a Mach3 razor?

Yes it is – the whole idea of product names and branding is entirely for the gratification of the manufacturer and their sales staff, and to ensure remuneration for their Marketing people. I do not wish to have to remember the model name of my razor, any more than I care what brand of toilet paper I am using. I might just remember the model of my car, but razors? – no. I seldom discuss my razor at dinner parties, anyway, so why should I care?

[Nervously, checking Episode Level reading on the iPad] All right, keep calm – I’ve got a note of that, thank you. We also observe that you have not replaced the battery in your Fusion ProGlide Power razor for 2 years – we can’t understand that at all.

You mean the battery that makes the razor give off a buzzing noise while I am shaving? – why do I want that?

It is stated in the advertising that the vibration causes the whiskers to stand erect, to give a more comfortable and thorough shave – in fact, it might have been in the adverts in 2010, come to think of it - or back in the Beckham days, but surveys show that customers like this feature and – mostly – replace the batteries promptly.

The buzzing noise makes the whiskers stand erect? – come on, Thaddeus, you know that is just bollocks, dreamed up by some 14-year-old in Marketing.

[Blushing slightly] All right, it is bollocks, but the customers seem to believe in it, and we prefer to maintain the pretence. Thus it is Official Bollocks.

If you will excuse me, I would prefer to finish my shave – such as it is – in peace. Perhaps you could leave now?

All right then – but bear in mind that we are listening, and we may come back if we are concerned. Perhaps you might learn to believe – just a little? [fades away as I take a step towards him – the last things to vanish are the spectacles]

And that’s it, really. I’m not unduly concerned, but thought I should report on the meeting. Maybe I should try to calm it down a bit in future? – nah – what the heck?

Back to the River

I've now painted up my demo pieces for the rivers/waterways, and am rather pleased with the results.

I chose a compromise colour - as mentioned previously, I wish to use these hex tiles mostly as sensible, battlefield-type rivers, but deeper areas such as lakes and coastlines are also within scope. I experimented with various varnish finishes (another compromise - this time between perfection and my natural laziness). I decided that the water will mostly be visible in wiggly, 2-inch wide strips, and even a lake should not be like glass, so I opted for 2 thick coats of gloss varnish, I didn't rub down between coats, and the resulting brush-stroked, imperfect shine has a passable look of a current, or the wind, or something - anyway, it'll do!

I used clear gloss Ronseal varnish, because it is cheap and should be tough enough to avoid flaking. Though it is water-based, it is still fairly nasty sticky stuff when cleaning brushes, but it's readily available and goes on easily.

Even with just the three basic bank shapes I have available to date (there will be one or more junction pieces in due course, and maybe a couple of small islands), it is possible to play around and create a number of interesting shapes. I hope to get more river pieces to paint up in the next week or so. They store compactly and neatly, too, so I'm pleased. This could go viral - by next Christmas you could be the only kid in your gang that isn't playing at rivers

I still have to arrange for a couple of fords (just water tiles which show some colour variation, I think). And, of course, now I have established a system, I can give some thought to an alternative river colour for the other side of the water tiles...!


For no real reason, other than the fact that I like it, here's a loosely-linked music clip. I got a bit distracted, wondering whether David Byrne's suit would remain stationary if he spun round on the spot, but I guess not. It is nice for us Wallace and Gromit fans to see a pair of tribute Wrong Trousers, though, and any Al Green song is usually worth a listen.