Napoleonic & ECW wargaming, with a load of old Hooptedoodle on this & that
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
Christmas Lock-in?
Stormy here last night. This morning we find that a tree has blown down, and the only road to the outside world is now blocked. Since we don't expect too many people to be available for work on the farm this morning, I guess that's it for Christmas visitors for a day or so.
Fortunately, there is no sign of any stout chap in a red suit trapped underneath it. Oh well - we have turkey and plenty of logs for the stove - as long as the brandy lasts out. Merry Christmas!
Monday, 23 December 2013
Merry Christmas
I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, and a happy and peaceful 2014
- all the very best to you, your families and friends. Have a good one!
Sunday, 22 December 2013
Hooptedoodle #113 – Donkey Awards – Seasonal Stationery
Originally, I was going to single out Marks
& Spencer for special mention, but a little further research proves that
they are no worse than any other supplier of cards, wrapping paper and other
festive tat, so that would probably have been unfair.
The item in the illustration is a gift tag
from M&S – specifically intended to allow you to write the name of the
recipient and a suitable message on your lovely, gift-wrapped present. The bad
news, of course, is that the tag is glossy, and there is no writing medium
which I have yet discovered which will work with it. Ballpoint, roller-ball,
gel sticks, felt tips and my beloved Sharpie pens refuse to dry properly,
and will remain smudgable for ever. Even old-fashioned fountain pen ink will
not dry – I have tried – it is like writing on a plastic bag. The ink forms
globules which cannot be blotted or blown dry. Even swearing doesn’t help. I
can see that, in the midst of all this huge, international, seasonal festival of waste, it
might be a nice idea to introduce a little re-use – I’m sure that a damp sponge
will enable the recipient to clean up their tag and send it to someone else –
the flaw in this is that, once again, the new name will not dry.
Something wrong here. The design seems to
have concentrated on appearance and market appeal – this is what our customers will
buy. The actual functional bit of the spec seems to have been dropped at some
point. Our research indicates that customers are not interested in writing on
the bloody thing.
There is more. There seems to be a great
fashion for coloured envelopes – we have sent out a lot of cards which have
envelopes in a fetching, deep cherry red. Very nice, and they set off the
overpriced stamps nicely (don’t get me started on that…), but it requires a very heavy black marker pen to address
them in such a way that the poor old mailman will be able to make out where
they are going. Something not quite right there, either.
It could be worse. A couple of Christmases
ago we had to use some envelopes which combined the worst of both these
features – they were glossy, and they were silver. Giving up on finding any
kind of pen which would make a readable mark on them, I resorted to sticking on white
labels, and addressing those. It’s a trade-off – I accepted the
reduction in aesthetic beauty in the interests of getting the greeting cards to
the intended friends and relatives. I may have no class, but I do worry about
stuff not working.
And then there was the big planning
calendar we had on the kitchen wall two years ago. Glossy paper. You couldn’t
write on it with any ease, except with
marker pens, and they soaked through to the other side of the paper. Bong!
The concept of inappropriate stationery is certainly
not new. Almost thirty years ago I was involved for a while in designing and
commissioning insurance mailshots in what – in those days – was rather
contemptuously described as “Readers’ Digest style”. Laser printers of
industrial size were still rare and very expensive, and normally ran in big
specialist sites which were booked through third parties. Around this time I
remember using the print shops of Grattan’s (in Bradford), and United Biscuits
(in Binns Road, Liverpool, next door to the old Meccano factory), but the
designers and project managers for the big print runs were a specialist
marketing company based in the Cotswolds. John, their project manager, and I
had quite a few days together, hanging around the print shops while the jobs
ran, and he told me a number of excellent tales of the lucrative and sometimes
chaotic world of marketing which he inhabited.
My favourite concerned the Sunday Times Magazine. At the
time, the STM was something of an iconic publication for the new,
upwardly-mobile classes of Thatcher’s children. Quite a number of the high
profile ads in the magazine were handled on behalf of clients by this Cotswold
firm. One week, one of their most successful regular STM advertisers requested
a last-minute change to their advert. It was a rush job, but it was a special
request from the chairman of the company, and he was prepared to pay whatever
it cost to get his hot new idea onto people’s doormats the following Sunday.
It seems that he had seen an advert in an
in-flight magazine while he had been flying home from the USA, and it was
printed in inverse configuration – i.e. white text on a black background. He
loved it. He was smitten. He wanted one. He wanted his advert to be changed to
this format – and he wanted it immediately. To blazes with the expense – the
chairman had spoken.
The design bureau ran it up, and it did, in
fact, look stunning. With a lot of overtime and sweat the Sunday Times ad was
changed, and they ran with the beautiful new advert.
Sadly, the advert – as always – featured a
clip-off corner coupon to allow the excited readers to request a quotation
and a full catalogue. Since it is almost impossible to fill in a clip-off
coupon which is printed in white-on-black, this full page, back cover advert on
the Sunday Times became the very first advert of any sort in that magazine for many
years to achieve a completely zero response.
No-one had thought of that. John reckoned,
with hindsight, that there were so many high-powered specialists involved that
they managed to overlook a problem which maybe the office cleaners might have
spotted…
They may all be employed nowadays in the Christmas card industry. Let's hope so.
They may all be employed nowadays in the Christmas card industry. Let's hope so.
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
Christmas Prize Competition 2013
As you see, young Bonaparte is not looking
very festive, despite his fancy party hat. What do you think the message in the
cracker said? Send it to me as a comment to this post (which I won’t publish), or
email it to the address in my Blogger profile. The sender of the entry which I
find most amusing will win a couple of Napoleonic DVDs – one is Ridley Scott’s
noted “The Duellists”, featuring Harvey Keitel and David Carradine, the other
is the more recent “Lines of Wellington”*, starring John Malkovich. These are
both Region 2 – please note – so if you are outside Europe please check that
they will play on your equipment.
Please get entries to me by 3rd January
– I’ll publish results shortly after that date. If you wish to have a shot but
are not interested in the prize, please say so and I’ll pick a separate List B
winner – for glory only.
The splendid artwork for this year’s
competition was very kindly contributed by a good friend of mine, the award
winning cartoonist and caricaturist PaK, whose work appears in Private Eye,
Reader's Digest, The Oldie and elsewhere. PaK’s website is very entertaining and you can
link to it here – he is always delighted to get commissions for
caricatures and custom greeting cards.
* Late Edit: the only version of "Lines of Wellington" which is currently available is not (as advertised by Amazon) in English. I got my copies from Germany and from Austria. The language choices are a little confusing - it is a Portuguese production, and it's very nicely done, if you can handle Malkovich as Wellington; the Portuguese speak Portuguese, the French speak French and the English speak English, and the narration is in Portuguese. Subtitles are available in a choice of Dutch or French - if you don't understand Dutch but have some French, switch on the French subtitles and you'll be fine. It's an enjoyable film, and the dialogue is not complex. Authentic uniforms on the 1st Cacadores...
* Late Edit: the only version of "Lines of Wellington" which is currently available is not (as advertised by Amazon) in English. I got my copies from Germany and from Austria. The language choices are a little confusing - it is a Portuguese production, and it's very nicely done, if you can handle Malkovich as Wellington; the Portuguese speak Portuguese, the French speak French and the English speak English, and the narration is in Portuguese. Subtitles are available in a choice of Dutch or French - if you don't understand Dutch but have some French, switch on the French subtitles and you'll be fine. It's an enjoyable film, and the dialogue is not complex. Authentic uniforms on the 1st Cacadores...
Monday, 16 December 2013
Lead Rot - a Seasonal Revisit
| Corroded solder tip, before cleaning up |
This year, we got off to a bad start. One of the two strings of lights wasn't working. Now I realise that this is also part of the true Christmas tradition, but we have had no problems of this sort for many years, so our procedure doesn't cover this too well. After messing around swapping individual bulbs - with no benefit - we eventually decided to make a proper job of it, removed all the bulbs and took them indoors, checking each one with a test meter. In fact they were all working, but the solder around the tips of some was showing some deterioration - a pale grey, crystalline deposit which made it tricky to make a decent contact with the test meter.
So I gave them a quick going over with a file - it took less than 15 minutes to clean up 40 bulbs - we screwed them firmly back into their sockets, checked the fuse and the complete circuit with the meter, connected them up, and voila! - Hark, the Herald Angels Sing.
Nick was impressed that our botched repair had worked - though probably less surprised than I was. We got on with the job we had set out to do, and got everything up and working.
So - what is this stuff? The Christmas lights spend Christmas hanging on a tree, obviously, in all sorts of weather conditions, none of which are oppressively warm. The rest of the year they live in a plastic tub in the garage, which can get very cold, though it is protected from direct frost and snow. The crystalline salt, whatever it is, will rub off, but it doesn't conduct very well, and - the main point here - I would not like my toy soldiers to turn into grey dust.
All right, you metallurgists and chemists - should we worry about this sort of thing, or will I be all right if I just don't hang my soldiers on trees or keep them in the garage?
Saturday, 14 December 2013
Hooptedoodle #112 – Donkey Awards - The Halifax
“I
can’t afford to live, but I guess I’d better try,
‘Cause
the undertakers got a union, and it costs too much to die”
Jimmy
Witherspoon, Tougher than Tough
This morning’s blood-pressure workout was
with the Halifax. I made the ridiculous mistake of ringing them up to sort out
a problem. The girl I spoke to was polite and correct, but completely paralysed
by rules and security checks. Eventually, I regret to say, I hung up the phone
while she was speaking, but not before I had spent some pounds on the
premium-number call.
The problem, you see, is that my father
received a letter from Halifax this week to advise him that my mother has set
up Online Banking, and will thus be able to see the details of joint accounts
he has with her, but to reassure him that she will not be able to see any accounts
which are solely his. If he wishes to discuss any aspect of this, there is a
number he can call, and they even offer him the option of a repeat letter in
Braille, or in large print (pardon?).
Unfortunately, my father is unable to act
on this letter since he died in 2008, a fact which is well known to Halifax
since they were involved in all the probate processes, and transferred all joint
accounts into my mother’s name at that time. My mother was a little upset by
the letter – mostly on a point of principle, I think – but, since she is a bit
frail and very deaf, and since I have registered Power of Attorney for her
financial dealings with the Lloyds Group (which includes Bank of Scotland and
Halifax), she asked me to deal with it.
Not so fast. Apparently Lloyds Group no
longer have any record of my Power of Attorney – at least not one that the young
lady I spoke to could find. Still, she did her very best to help me. She took
me through some long-winded security procedure related to my own accounts at
Halifax, which proved that I am who I said I was (which is a relief), but she was
still unable to gain authority to change any of my mum’s accounts without
speaking to my mum (who, as mentioned, is deaf and was also not present).
You see, said the girl, we will have marked
the records of any customer who has passed away, and you should not have
received this letter. Yes, I said, I understood that, though whether they have
failed to code the record correctly, or have subsequently lost the code, or
whether the analyst who designed this particular letter failed to make
reference to the code is a matter of very faint academic interest, and is not
our problem. The fact that they somehow have lost the details of my Power of
Attorney is also puzzling, but mostly
just irritating, since they cannot help me as a result. Perhaps, despite all
these problems, the girl could make a note of the account number, check that
the customer is, in fact, officially dead, and ask someone not to send out any
more letters which are potentially upsetting, apart from being further proof –
if proof be needed – of a level of incompetence which is already regarded as
proverbial by customers and the public at large.
Is this account still active, asks the girl?
Well, no – it is certainly empty, and if it still exists it will have been
transferred to my mother in 2008. Ah, says the girl, empty is not the same as
closed. Again, I say, we are straying into areas which are the internal problem
of the Halifax, and I am neither answerable for, nor interested in, the state
of their admin systems – and at this point I hung up.
![]() |
| I accept, of course, that I am probably the donkey |
Outcome? Well, I reckon my father may well
receive further letters in future, which we shall just shred respectfully. Why
do we bother?
Why are we still stuck with having these
buffoons sit on our money when they provide us with no service or added value
of any sort, other than giving us hassle and irritation on a regular basis? We
are stuck, my friends, because there is nowhere else we could take the money
which is any better. Though Lloyds Group are (literally) unrewarding people to
deal with, they are better than some of the alternatives. Eventually, you just
have to laugh and shrug it off – I am laughing and shrugging as I type (which
is not easy).
If Halifax cannot manage to understand that
one of their customers has died, and if they are constrained by their internal
rules such that they cannot arrange to fix this, then I could report it to the
Data Protection commissioners but – to be honest – really can’t be bothered.
That would only be heaping up yet more irritation. If they were fined – and Lloyds
Group are not short of the odd fine at present – which lot of interested
parties would have to meet the cost? The customers, perhaps?…
Let it lie – move on. As yet, this is
nothing – the service levels and the mistakes we suffer at the hands of
automated institutions will continue to degrade at an accelerating rate in the
coming years – you may (to use an opportune phrase) bank on it. I have been
there. I have seen the beginning of the nightmare.
Thursday, 12 December 2013
Hooptedoodle #111 – Dr Huntley
This post stems from some conversations I
had with my wife and a couple of friends recently, on the subject of teachers
we have known. At heart, the notional heading was “the best and the worst
teachers you ever had”, which is always good for a few laughs, but it got me
thinking.
This post is not intended to be any of the
following, though some will undoubtedly take it to be so:
(1) It is not a topical link-in with recent
horror stories about the deteriorating level of achievement of English
schoolchildren compared with their peers in other countries, though it is true
that some of the conversations were prompted by the relevant news coverage.
(2) It is not a cheap swipe at the teaching
profession, for which I have a great respect. A surprising number of my
relatives – including most of my cousins – are or were teachers, and my mother
was also a teacher, though she worked mostly with special-needs kids. I
remember very clearly Miss Smallman, who taught all three of my older sons in
their first year at primary school. She was in her early twenties when I knew
her, and I’m sure they didn’t pay her very much or listen to her at the staff
meetings, but each year she produced another cohort of kids who could read, had
the beginnings of numeracy and were excited about school and about learning
things. That is fantastic – by comparison, most of the convoluted, obscure, clever-clever,
unnecessary achievements of my own working career shrivel into dust.
(3) It is not a blind rant about the
education industry, though such a rant is never far below the surface, if
prompted.
My own experience – of my own teachers, of
my children’s teachers and of teachers I have known personally – is just what
you would expect. A few exceptionally good ones, a whole raft of solidly
competent ones, and a small number of nightmares. A good teacher is a gift from
God – I could never have done such a job. At various times I have done some
coaching – in mathematics and guitar playing (all right, all right), and I know
from that experience the difference between coaching and teaching. A coach can
be a great help to someone who already has some knowledge and some enthusiasm;
a teacher has to be able to generate enthusiasm in a complete novice. I would
have been a terrible teacher – if my students didn’t do their homework, my
instinct would be to kill them, and if they didn’t like what I told them I
would take it personally and agonize about it.
No good.
You will undoubtedly be able to think of
really good and bad teachers from your own experience – the good ones may well
have been inspirational – often their influence will extend far beyond the
subject they taught. Think about the bad ones – how much damage have they done?
How many subjects do you hate, entirely because you once had a teacher you
didn’t relate to?
In my occasional role as a music coach, I
have met a good few people who told me that they once had piano lessons, but
they hated the teacher and so they gave it up. Interestingly, very few said
that they gave it up because they were lazy or devoid of ability, so I guess
the poor old teacher is a useful cop-out but – whatever – I decided long ago
that I didn’t wish to be the person that put someone off music, or destroyed
their interest in it for life. I would find that very difficult, even if I knew
it was a cop-out.
OK then – this is a job which requires
certain qualities, and which demands respect for its intention, if not always for
the execution.
Some odd thoughts:
(1) When I left school, most of my friends
who went on to teachers’ training college were those who failed to get into
university. When I left university, a proportion of those who took their new
degrees into education definitely did so because they couldn’t decide what else
to do (and the holidays were attractive), or because education seemed a safer,
more sheltered option than the competitive worlds of industry or commerce. I
make no generalization about the candidates having a lack of something, or
being second-rate, or even about whether this is still true, but I find it
interesting.
(2) I am not sure, but I think one of the
respected professions which are identified as acceptable for the purpose of
signing the back of passport photos (and similar) is still that of teaching.
Teachers, by tradition, are pillars of the community – people to be trusted –
and that is how it should be. Yet, when the eldest of my grown-up sons was
studying for his “O-Grade” school certificate exams, the unthinkable happened –
the teachers went on strike. All his revision, all the final cramming for the
weeks leading up to the exams had to be done by us, without any guidance or
support from the Trusted Profession.
I have sort of got over that now, but that
is the defining moment when teachers, as a species, stopped being pillars of
the community in my eyes and became just another lot of contract-checking,
penny-pinching union activists. Teachers should have been above that sort of
social blackmail, in the way that we expect doctors to be above it.
(3) A good teacher, as I said, is a jewel –
from my own schooldays I recall Mr Percival (History), Mr Yule (Maths), Mr
Colvin (Latin) and a Mr Burnett, who was an English teacher, a supportive,
empathetic character who broadened my tastes in reading, and who is noted elsewhere
as the individual who – some years earlier – had encouraged an unruly and
rebellious boy named John Winston Lennon to persevere with his art, his
creative writing and his music. I think I was lucky enough to have very few
truly bad teachers at school – there was an apoplectic Religious Instruction
teacher who was rather too fond of corporal punishment, but he left quite
quickly. There was also poor old Mr Nixon, who was a decorated hero of WW1 and
who had deferred his retirement well beyond the limits of commonsense. No
longer able to maintain control, he used to sit with a bewildered smile while
the riot developed around him – not his fault, but that was not a good year for
Maths.
There was also a whole pile of teachers who
did the job – unmemorable but adequate.
(4) The brother of my ex-wife was a primary
school teacher. He was a devoted, hard working fellow, but I don’t think he got
much help from the kids in his class – I suspect they crucified him every day.
I remember that he was terrified when he learned that new, more rigorous
appraisal systems were going to be introduced for teachers – he felt
victimized. When I pointed out that there is no job in the world in which you
can avoid being judged on performance and results, and that appraisals were a
fact of life for the most humble clerk in the world outside teaching, he just
stared at me.
The thing is, you can find
damage-limitation jobs for the less gifted in industry. You can keep Ten Thumbs
Smith away from the circular saw on the building site; you can make sure that
certain people do not get to answer the phone to customers. I’m not sure, but
it may be possible to avoid having idiots run banks, but, unless you sack them,
all teachers get a class of children to look after. The consequences of letting
a disastrously poor teacher loose on a class can be chilling, so the need for
appraisal was, and remains, more pressing in education than in many other jobs.
(5) There is a risk, for anyone spending
their working days as the largest, cleverest person in a room full of seven-year-olds, that they eventually
come to see this as their natural role, and their treatment of adults and
people outside the classroom may be affected by this. One would hope this is
not common, but my experience suggests that it might be.
(6) A surprising number of teachers have
only other teachers as friends – this is particularly strange. Why would this
be?
Which brings me to Dr Huntley. In my first
year at Edinburgh University, he was my lecturer for Pure Mathematics, and his
teaching style was unique. The setting is one of the big, ancient halls in the
Old Quad – a lot of dark, ancient carved timber, a general atmosphere of
Presbyterian gloom which is not lightened by the thought of probable traces of
DNA from Walter Scott and countless other worthies, three very large, dusty
blackboards and Flash Huntley, who appears, with his gown streaming behind him,
at exactly 9:00. There are about 300 cold, weary students waiting for him,
banked up in the rows of long desks.
Huntley opens his old briefcase, and takes
out an old folder containing some very old notes. He cleans the blackboards, and
then he takes a sheaf of pages from the folder and begins to copy them on to
the left hand board, in small, fussy, chalk writing. He writes very quickly.
When the left hand board is full he moves on to the middle one. When the right
hand one is full he cleans the left hand one and continues there. The room is
silent, apart from gasps for air and occasional groans. Everyone is copying
Flash’s ancient words from the boards, as fast as they can, and you’d better
not fall behind or he’ll have rubbed out the bit you need. After an hour, Dr
Huntley stops writing, puts his notes back in his briefcase, and disappears. He
never speaks – I cannot remember him ever speaking. He leaves a hall full of
anxious souls trying to finish off the notes before the servitor throws them
out – some, of course, have just given up ages ago.
The process was that you then took your
notes to the library and read them to see what they said – understanding in
real time being something which the format of the lectures did not support.
Assuming that reading them took another hour, this is now a two hour investment
of time just to have read the material. Three mornings a week this is repeated
– hour by hour, week by week, Dr Huntley’s ancient script will, all being well,
have been copied down by at least some of the hardier of his pupils and will
provide them with the complete Pure Mathematics course for the year. The only
glimpse of reason is a one-hour, small group tutorial on a Friday, where the
students will get to discuss the notes and do some practice examples.
Astonishing – I can still hardly believe
it. If a pile of Roneo’d copies had been handed out, Huntley need not have
appeared at all – in fact he maybe need not have existed at all. We could all
have read the copied notes without the hour of scribbling. In a modern age, the
students could just have downloaded the entire course from some server library,
and then they could have spent the time reading it, working with it and
learning something, rather than going through this torture ritual.
Dr Huntley – I haven’t thought about him
for years, and he must be long dead now, but the achievement stands – I cannot
imagine a better way of breaking the hearts of all those young people – cold
and a long way from home, most of them – than getting them to speed-write 1000
lines every morning in a gloomy, smelly old hall with cobwebs and a bad echo.
Whose model of education was that, anyway? Who wrote the original bloody course
notes? – did an angel pass them to him? Please say we can do better now.
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