It will be my mother's 100th birthday on Monday. She doesn't know it will be her birthday, and she will not notice when it happens. The poor old soul is resident in a nursing home in Berwick upon Tweed, where she is wonderfully well looked after and is as comfortable as we can possibly make her, but she cannot walk, or see, or make sense of any sounds. She sleeps most of the time - they get her into some sort of semi-conscious state to feed her, but she doesn't communicate and as far as I am aware she has no idea where she is or what is going on.
I visit once a week, though she is not aware of my visits, and in fact she hasn't known me for about 5 years now. That's OK - it's a routine - I visit this very old lady, who doesn't remember me and appears to have nothing to do with any mother I ever had. Mostly, I think, I do it for my own peace of mind. I sit with her for an hour or so each week - I haven't seen her awake in about 6 months. I make sure her radio is quietly tuned to her favourite classical station (just in case she can hear it) and before I leave I chat with the staff about how she has been.
A 100th birthday is a serious business in the UK. You get a greeting card from the Monarch. One advance in recent years has been that, if you are in receipt of the State Pension, this all goes ahead automatically. So I have been waiting to see how it all works.
About a month ago I received an undated letter from the DWP, the main message of which was:
We have attempted to contact you to organise congratulatory messages for their 100th birthday.
As their representative, you can arrange for cards to be issued from the King via the Centenarian Team.
All we need is for you to confirm that the personal information we hold on the Department for Work and Pensions' records is correct.
What to do next
If you would like the team to organise the messages on your behalf, or you would like more information, please get in touch with us. Our contact details are at the top of this letter.
Yours sincerely
W R Swanson
Office manager
Righto - here we go - the system has everything under control. Only slight concerns were:
(1) There was no mention of what personal information they wish to have confirmed, though they gave my mother's name and National Insurance number, and they obviously have some idea that she is going to be 100.
(2) The National Insurance number was incorrect. [Goodness me - don't tell me that all this digital magnificence is manned by idiots, after all? Surely no-one expected that?]
I leaped into action - I spent a singularly unproductive 45 minutes waiting for someone to answer the supplied phone number (which is in Newcastle), and then typed up an old-fashioned letter and sent it to the supplied postal address (which is in Wolverhampton), confirming that, yes, I did want the Centenarian Team to send out a card, thank you very much, and pointing out the error in the NI number.
Two weeks later I received another letter from the DWP, which turned out to be an exact repeat of the original undated letter, complete with incorrect NI number. With some vague idea that I was already in the system, I refused to worry about this, and waited for a meaningful reply, aware that the time left for arranging a greetings card was disappearing fast.
I received what was clearly a reply to my letter - this dated 3rd June, though I received it on the 9th. All it contained was some generalised acknowledgement of my notifying them of a "change of circumstances" - there was no mention of greetings cards, and the Newcastle phone number no longer appeared. I am left to assume that the DWP's computer is very busy.
In two days I shall travel down to Berwick for the "big" day. I expect that no card will be sent to me before then; it is possible that there may be one sent direct to the nursing home (the DWP have that address), but I doubt it. Since my mum will not know that it is her birthday, and since no-one would in any case be able to explain to her that she had received a card, or what a card was, I have to accept that it really doesn't matter. I may be pilloried by the nursing home staff for failing to arrange the King's card, but that is the least of my worries.
Happy 100th Birthday to your mum. It would be nice if a card does get through in time, just so her day is marked the same way as every 100 year old should be. I imagine the original letter is simply computer generated and a human gets nary a whiff of the process.
ReplyDeleteThanks Norm - I guess you are right, though the error in the NI number is very obviously a typing mistake, which would require an actual human, since Artificial Stupidity hasn't progressed that far yet.
DeleteA Happy Birthday to your mother ,watching people we love get old is a difficult process, all the best Tony
ReplyDeleteThank you Tony. It's a bit of a cliché now, but I think it's true that you can lose your loved ones twice: once when they turn into someone you no longer know, and once when they finally pass away. I'm becoming something of a cliché myself, to be honest.
DeleteHappy 100th birthday to your mum Tony. I agree with Norm.
ReplyDeleteIt'd be nice if the wheels of bureaucracy did click into gear in time. I guess all this semi-automated nonsense is a sign that there are so many centenarians that the personal touch has gone out of the window.
Thank you Chris. I checked how many centenarians there are in the UK - can't remember the exact number, but it's a little short of 17000. According to the actuaries' Continuous Mortality Investigation, numbers dropped a bit during Covid; also, surviving females outnumber the males by about 5:1.
DeleteSemi automation will be the end of everything. I was there, man, I was one of the beasts who did for the once-noble Scottish finance industry in the 1980s and 90s. Computerising people's jobs meant that training and even understanding how our businesses work became luxuries which we opted to do without, and taking a pride in one's job became a laughable anachronism. Without wishing to be rude to anyone, it is likely that the Centenarian Team may not be seen as a fast track to glory in the public sector.
Fingers crossed that the card gets through somewhere - for your sake if nothing else. I expect two will arrive! I suppose it is my age but it seems that the more computerised things get the harder it is to get things done. At least it has given you something to post about. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jim - this wasn't really intended as a rant - just another gentle sigh of weariness. In this case, any number of cards between zero and two will be fine. There will be no party - if the kitchen staff at the home make any cakes then they can hand them around among the other residents, I guess. I may hang around for longer than my usual hour, but these people are very busy, so I plan to clear off home and maybe have a beer later on, toasting my mum's astonishing achievement - whatever the extent of her dementia, she has the heart and lungs of an elephant, which is not bad for a little girl who nearly died of polio when she was 4.
DeleteYears ago, I visited my old neighbour, George, on his 100th birthday, after he had moved into our local cottage hospital. I recall that the Lord Lieutenant of the County turned out, to get his photo taken shaking George's hand. The photographer from the East Lothian Courier was there, wearing a suit and tie - entirely because of the presence of the Lord Lieutenant. I don't know if they have such rituals in England.
Happy 100th birthday to your mom! That is really quite an impressive milestone to reach.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jon.
DeleteHappy 100th Birthday to your Mother! I'm not having fun trying to deal with DWP regarding my State Pension due within a year...
ReplyDeleteThank you Benjamin, you are a nice man. The internet and the digitisation of the records and communications should make things easier and give greater transparency. In reality they put a layer of obfuscation in the way - this helps to prevent anything ever being anyone's fault. Best of luck with your pension, I'm sure it will be fine, but ask the post-masters about information systems...
DeleteBest wishes to your mum, and hoping the card arrives. I suspect I'll be suffering this in a couple of years although my mum is still "quite a character" according to the staff
ReplyDeleteThanks for the good wishes - appreciated. My mum is now resident on the "dementia floor" of the nursing home - I am philosophical and positive about my continuing visits, but it takes a lot of meditation (and gardening) to hang onto any hopes for old age. My upbringing never prepared me for anything like this; maybe life has changed, maybe people just didn't talk about it!
DeleteFirst of all congratulations to your mum on reaching this milestone. While I have not had to deal with the stress of dealing with dementia I have witnessed it more times than I care to remember. I do not think anything can prepare anyone for it. I would like to think your weekly visits are a comfort to her - even though she can never let you know.
ReplyDeleteAs for the card I do hope "they" do it right by her.
I wish you both the best.
Thanks Matt. I guess it is what it is!
DeleteReaching 100 is quite some achievement, but the sadness that duty visits to someone that doesn’t seem to know you’re there must be a heavy weight on the soul. My thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you sir - appreciated. Eventually the situation just becomes part of the scenery - I realise it could be an awful lot worse. Ten years ago we had quite a gathering at my mother's house for her 90th, with some relatives and friends - she still had some ten years ago. All very jolly - my mum was in pretty good form, but she was definitely losing the plot even then. I got my friend Muhammed from the Bengali restaurant in the village to deliver a splendid banquet meal for 8 people, which was terrific. Muhammed arrived in his BMW, dressed in a very smart suit, and brought my mum some flowers. She subsequently built this episode into a complete movie, with Muhammed arriving dressed in traditional costume, complete with curly-toed slippers - a bit like the high school's Christmas production of "Ali Baba". This was one of the first occasions when I realised that there was no point (at all) in trying to correct her recollection of what happened.
DeleteThere have been some (nervous) laughs along the way. Man, I miss that restaurant.
I hope you and family are able to mark your mother's milestone birthday in the best way for you all. We had a similar experience marking my mother's 90th last year... she wasn't fully aware, the care home went to town providing cakes and balloons, and my sister tried to enforce some jollity while I joined online. In the end nobody came away feeling good (except maybe my mum), so I guess it's important to mark it in the way that feels best for you all.
ReplyDeleteThe DWP and the slightly surreal card are just an addedbonus!!
Thank you Alastair. My mum's advancing dementia has sometimes taken me by surprise, but also breaks down into distinct phases. We have now reached the point where she is aware of so little that a lot of my previous rituals (and pretences) just become meaningless. I shall continue to try to make contact with her (wherever in there she might be), but I don't expect much success. As long as she is warm, and as comfortable and pain free as possible, that has to be a success, I guess. The spirit and the devotion of the care staff are humbling - absolutely - and they get paid very little.
DeleteReally pleased that it all came good in the end.
ReplyDeleteThanks Matt - I'm definitely going to take the Royalist side in my next ECW game...
DeleteAh bless her. I hope you enjoy your Mum's birthday for her. I'm sure she'd approve.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ray - I know she would. I had some half-bottomed ideas about cooking myself a nice Scotch fillet steak and having one of my remaining bottles of Chimay Bleu, but I didn't really fancy the idea by the time I got home. I've promised myself that I'll do it next weekend! I'm a real raver when I'm in the mood.
DeleteHappy Birthday to your Mum.
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued by the fact that this is dealt with by The Centenarian Team - does the card include an invitation to join them in their vital work? If I am fortunate enough to reach the age of 100, the card will presumably depict the 70-something William and Kate. Hmm..
It is good that the government is taking this initiative to allow our older citizens to contribute like this. I imagine by the time you get to be 100 there will be no cards - whether or not there will still be a monarch is a discussion for the pub. I would suggest that the alternative strategy of putting a failed reality-TV host in charge for as long as he can hang on already looks like such a success that it may become the thing to do. Make Britain Grate Again.
DeleteLong may your mother continue to be kept comfortable. I wonder why they chose 100 for the issue of cards. Well might the notoriously decimal and metric President of France issue a one hundredth birthday card, but shouldn't a British monarch, for consistency's sake, wait until 112, by analogy with the number of pounds in a hundred weight?
ReplyDeleteThank you sir. I think HM Govt issues cards for a variety of birthdays and wedding anniversaries (I recall applying for Mr Blair's lot to send a card for my parents' Diamond Wedding) - I have no idea why we maintain such a fascination with anniversaries (210th of Waterloo yesterday? - that must be worth a booze-up). A few years ago, I made a point of visiting my father's grave on what would have been his 100th birthday, which, when I got there, seemed an odd thing to have done - he was just as dead as he had been the day before, the day itself was no more significant than his 98th birthday, or any other day, in fact. I was really commemorating his failure to live to 100, which is unfortunate. If we really keep track of everything and everybody indefinitely, there is just too much data - recollection becomes worthless. Personally, I no longer celebrate my own birthday - seems like a con-trick to generate sales of something festive.
DeleteI recall a nightmare period at work when there was a ritual drinking session every Friday evening - I used to swerve it - it was before the smoking bans, and I didn't like the hysterical vibe anyway - people used to go along because they were scared that they would be the target of the conversation if they didn't. What they were celebrating was their own fear...
Mind you, I think I might institute a private festival every year on the anniversary of when Trump finally stops being the President, if we survive. My own national holiday.
I fortunately (?) didn't have to deal with this issue...both my parents died over 30 years age; I, in fact, am now older than either of them was at the time of their death....which can be a sobering thought.
ReplyDeleteMy in laws lived to 94/95 and were still pretty much ok till the very end, so I have not had to deal with the dementia issue directly.
I suspect the issue is, we can keep people alive a lot longer now, but many should really be passing away in their eighties, before their brain starts to disintegrate....the trouble is, we will never know who will still be fully functional at 98 or 99 and who will get gaga at 89..... glad the Kings card made it through in time!
Thanks Keith - the dementia thing is a big complication. This is all painfully obvious, but I'll say it anyway (statement of the obvious was always a strength of mine); my mum was getting a bit confused 10 years ago, but was still living at home, with a private carer coming in every day to supplement what the family could manage. Within the next couple of years it became apparent that she would have to go into care - the dementia was getting worse, though mostly still manageable, but her mobility was a big problem, and another major factor was the sudden death of a neighbour who had been a wonderful friend and ally. So she went into care. The memory loss and confusion continued to worsen, but I believe her life in the care home was really as good and as happy as we could possibly have hoped for - she had a lot of friends, and entered into the activities as well as she could.
DeleteBy three years ago she could no longer remember me, though she still had occasional days of clarity, but that's all gone now. She sleeps almost all the time - I visit every week, but haven't seen her awake or had any sign that she was aware of my being there. It is very strange - I am determined to keep visiting, but somehow we are all just going through the motions - this is very obviously a waiting period.